The Weekly Top X: In the Grim Future of Next Friday, There is Only Ian Watson

Not Brent: Who’s this dude with the monocle? Where’s Lauby?

Von: Come with me now, on a journey through time and space! Through the uttermost bleakness of the night eternal that lies betwixt the joyless stars we’re bound, this thin shell of silicon and plastic around us creaking and cracking, bashed by cosmic waves. The light of the Astronomican falls behind us. We pass outside the Imperium we know, into formless void that knows not the tread of Man. Within this ancient gloom lies hallowed and unbidden knowledge predating the Emperor, the Age of Strife, the lights of reason and of faith. Within these quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore, we find...

Not Brent: Lauby! LAUBY!

Von: … Imperitas Lux! A voice out of the aether? Am I beset? Is this possession? Should I simply set my weapon to my head, and trust the blessed psybolts to scour this foulness from my mind... or can I learn from these atrocity that bedevils me? Yes. Yes... I think I shall let the daemon incarnate itself for now. Perhaps it will spout truths, reveal knowledge, or grant delights? What say you, warp-spawn? No lies!

Not Brent: Yes, yes you should.

Not Brent: Set your weapon right there - and don’t forget the safety.


Not Brent: Creep. Scour me, will you?

Not Brent: Where’s Lauby and why am I being punished?


1) Irae Scorpio - Conversion Experiments #3

Von: A worthy entry into the annals of the Imperium, I believe - see how the glorious emblems and sacred icons of my own august Inquisition glisten and glimmer on the sacred shapes of this little fellow. Hear in your mind’s ear, if you will, the roar of that wrist-mounted rainmaker - “RAAAW-AAARK!”, it screams to me, “RAAAW-AAARK-tha-BOOM!”, and the flesh of enemies is rent asunder and undone. I feel quite overcome with piety.

Not Brent: My mind’s ear is a mind’s mouth and says, “Piss off, Monocle Dude.” I feel quite overcome with pity, too - what with you digging around in this dude’s annals.

Not Brent: But I’ll admit, I do kind of dig the Marine, even if he is all glistening when you get done slobbering on him.

2) House of Ados - Feels like ADHD

Von: This one I would judge more harshly, if my druthers were given me. It professes a liking for ‘Fantasy’ - as if the cold hard Reality of the Beneficent Emperor’s Imperium were not enough for it. I know not these ‘Dark Elves’ - it sounds like Xenos mischief to me - and this Aye Dee Haitch Dee worthy of a place in the Foul Books of Pestilence, should it not lie therein already. I shall consult my scriveners on my return to Titan... that is if I return, for I feel sure that... AH! Genestealers! I knew it! Foul, Xenos treachery, treason most tremendous and most terrible! Hand me my bolter that the alien might be purged! Potens Terribilatas!

Not Brent:  Oh give me a break! You Inquisition types sure do miss the obvious, what with the scourging this and smiting that.

Not Brent:  Scope that date - over a year ago! The ‘House of A Do’s’ is dead, dead, dead. All those blogs out there lacking updates, littering the Blogosphere like turds in a dog park.

Not Brent:  This blog is as dead as your career once Lauby hears how you’ve treated me.

3) 4 Up Cover - Pressure Chamber

Von: Ahh, archeotech. What immortal hand or eye hath framed thy fearful symmetry?

Not Brent: What the unholy heck are you talking about, Mr. Inquisitor? I had my suspicions about you; confirmed, now that you’re checking out my symmetry...

Von: It is a poem, warpvermin. And such habits are commonplace among no less than the Astartes - I have reliable sources, daemon, I have testimony. Now keep thy lip in check and help me break it open! Perhaps ‘tis in here that the truth of these matters lies - for some truth, some dark agenda, there must surely be to bring the pair of us together...

Not Brent: What did you call me? I would so kick your ass if you weren’t - you know - much, much bigger than me.

Not Brent: I am kind of curious though - just make sure you’re using that crowbar on the box, you feel me?

4) Kaptain Gitsnik's Plastic Plunderings - IT'S ALIVE!!!

Not Brent: Kaptain Gitsniks Plastic Plunderings? That is simply one of the coolest names for a blog I’ve come across in my Digital Wanderings.

Not Brent: What’s wrong with you now?

Von: Gah! As if you were not enough, daemonfilth, and then the ‘stealers, I am now beset by Orks! Consult the Liber Adversaria! Scour all sources! Tell me of this ‘Kaptain Gitsnik’! Who are his allies? In what sectors does he prowl? I smell conspiracy afoot - some vile work of the Istvaanians perhaps, they are ever keen to set one enemy of Mankind atop the other. They would test us to destruction and beyond if they let them. O, what foul day when an inquisitor cannot trust his brothers?

Not Brent: How the hell am I supposed to know? Put me down!

Not Brent: LAUBY!

5) BLIGHTY WAAAGH BOYS -(ORK BLOGGA)! - Da Art of Waaagh! Eavy Landa Datasheet

Not Brent: OUCH! Crap!

Not Brent: A warning would be nice - you dropped me on my fearful symmetry.

Von: Irae, Illa... that I should live to see such times. I fear to gaze upon this craft. It perverts the holy work of the Mechanicus and sets it to the hands of … what’s this? More Orks? They’re all against me! Enemies at every turn, I say!

Not Brent: Good Lord, man - that kind of stress is just not healthy. Uh, you dropped your monocle.

Not Brent: Look, it’s a pretty cool vehicle data sheet, but you get that it hasn’t been built, right? It’s just... plans. And older plans at that.

Von: I can stand for this no longer. The truth of this plottery must be found out. Daemon... I cannot trust you, but it would seem I can trust no-one. Perhaps I must set my enemy against my enemies, if I’m ever to find the right of this matter. Take word of my passing to the Ordos on Titan, if you can find any there to trust with it. I go further, into the black. I’ll root out this conspiracy and set it aflame with my merest scrutiny. Mark you that.

Not Brent: Damn, do you have to punctuate you words with manly slaps on the back? I’ve got issues as it is. Ass.

Von: Imperator credite et strenua labore.

Not Brent: What does that mean? ARE YOU INSULTING ME?

Not Brent: That’s it - I’m a protected citizen around here - I have rights! These articles have always been Not Brent and Lauby... get that, jerk? I get top billing!

Not Brent: ME. I’m the man, I’m the..!

Lauby:  Hello, Not Brent.

Not Brent: Oh. Hey, Lauby.

Lauby:  I see you've met the new guy.  Good, good.

Lauby:  Look, there's no easy way to say this.  But I'm here to collect your daemonic essence and then bind it into a specialy constructed simulacrum.  It's not easy to say because of the word 'simulacrum'.  Not because I don't want to do this.  Because I do.  I DO want to bind you for all eternity in a hollow shell.  I WANT to hear your wailing and gnashing of teeth.  I'll probably even enjoy collecting your black tears! I will CERTAINLY take delight in your impotent rage!!!  MWU HAHAHAHA!

Not Brent: Lauby? Calm down, man!

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Bizarro Week is Still On

This was supposed to be a reminder, callously calling out the barely literate members of the audience  who have yet to notice that we're in the middle of a theme week at the HoP, but then I remembered that bizarro dethtron is nice, so instead here's a picture of a puppy in a snail shell:

But on a serious note, Bizarro Week, where alternate, opposite doppelgaenger versions of the HoP writing staff take over is still going on through Saturday.  And it's going swimmingly if I must say so.


We all are so excited that our contests and strange whims to run theme weeks like this one have been received so well.  Thanks to all of our readers for "getting it" and letting us experiment with the blogging paradigm a little bit. 

After the rousing success of Bizarro Week, we may well have to make it an annual event and are considering adding a few more theme weeks in future.  If you've got an idea you'd like to see come to life, let us know in the comments.

Until then, stay Bizarro

 

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Gaming Without a Budget - Lauby's Malifaux Table

Hello and welcome to another installment on how to lord your disposable income over poor neck-beards.  Today we're going to be spending way more money than we need to with just a touch of a  "This Old House" vibe.

Let's get to it.

Special Lady Friend and I recently started up Malifaux and we're having a grand old time at it.  But after a few test games it became apparent that we were in dire need of a gaming surface. Now, most people's first thoughts on this topic would be on how this could be done cheaply.  Screw that noise! Lets spend some goddamn money and do this up proper!"

With all that in mind, I set out to plan and build a 3'x3' gaming surface that I could potentially shelter under in the event of an earthquake.

Shelter more like the girl in front, not those idiots in back.

Step zero (as I am now, as snootily as possible, calling it) was research.  I've not made a lot of gaming surfaces as I've never needed them in my own home. Or at least not ones with grass on them. So there were some questions I needed answered so that spending a lot of money didn't become wasting a lot of money (remember, spending money with nothing to show for it = bad). Thankfully, I had some articles on the Good Robot Us's site to work from.

STATION!

A Mr. D. Tron has made a much more frugal effort to make a gaming table and I will be using this as a guide for technique if not cost. And, seriously, go read those two posts because I am going to be making a ton of references to them.

Important note: Be sure to click on any images for enhugening purposes.

As with dethtron's Flames of War table, it all starts with the base material.  In this case, a 3/4" sheet of MDF cut into the proper sizes. The fact that I got two 3x3 squares AND kept the left overs is about the only nod to saving money you're gonna see today because it just couldn't be helped.   Well, that and the fact that you can totally have the Home depot guys cut things to size for you - which you should totally have happen.  So about $30 bucks for that all said and done for a contractor sized sheet.

Also a cat.  The internet loves cats.

So why MDF (medium density fiberboard)?  To paraphrase the manager in This is Spinal Tap: "having a good solid piece of wood is quite often...useful".  If I'm honest, I just plain don't like insulation foam.  It's for poor people - along with macaroni & cheese, American cars and 20xx vintages of wine.


Now you may be questioning the weight of a 3/4 inch thick peice of wood - and your right, it does weigh about 1.2 fuck-tons (or 1 metric fuck-tonne for your Euros and your everyman metric system.  God, I hate you).  But for me, the weight is a design feature rather than a flaw - it's part one of my ingenious (and expensive) system to keep my gaming board from sliding around.

Now it's on to actual construction.  Step one of that is the basic prep work  - namely sanding the edges smooth and then wiping ALL of the saw dust off.  The sanding being especially important since I was/am going to add some veneer edging to cover up the rough cut sides.

Another potential expense is the iron, if all you wear is wrinkled cloths

One of the things I really wanted to do was make sure the edges of the surface looked 'finished'.  In my mind, if your going to spend time and money making a good looking gaming surface, you don't want anything to detract from it.  It's a lot like painting a great miniature and then making the conscious decision to not base it. Anywho, the edging is pretty easy to apply so long as you have an iron and some patience. I picked up some natural birch flavored stuff for about 8 bucks.

Important note:  Probably a good idea to do the edging before painting and flocking (like me) because of the heat issues.

See how rad that looks? And that's just one side.

I edged to all four sides and then moved on to painting - being very careful to cover the edges in masking tape to keep that natural birch goodness intact. There's a reason you spent money in it in the first place and it wasn't to hide the fact that you spent money.

Mr. Tron's sand + paint trick is one of the best bits of tech I've ever had the opportunity to implement.   I did a first coat of paint with no sand in order to make sure my coverage was good. Then I mixed some sand into a wad of paint and textured it up.  

Important note:  You'll need to filter the bigger chunks of rock out of the sand in order to get a uniform surface when you're using this trick.  Those bigger lumps can really cause problems with terrain laying flat or miniatures staying upright.

Note on the Important note:  If you pop a storm screen off of a window on your apartment to strain sand with, you should under no circumstances tell your significant other whom you live with that you did this.

I started drybrushing the highlights before I remembered to take a picture

I think it's relevant to point out another area in which I made the conscious decision to not save money again and just get exactly what I wanted.  I had been slumming it a bit and spent some time searching in vain for a good shade of brown in the mis-mixed paint section of the local DIY stores.  I gave up after the $2 special turned out to be less brown and more "diarrhea orange".  Which may actually have been mis-mixed rather than evidence of the piss-poor judgment of some mouth breathing suburbanite.  So I just said 'screw it' and had the worlds biggest pot of P3 Gun Corps Brown made up.  Color matching FTW.  All said and done, it was about $15 for the good color and my experience with random chance.  Highlighting was a simple affair of drybrushing some craft paints on.

Lookin' snazzy already

Normally, the next step would be to add the static grass.  But there is one, crucial, flaw that a slab of MDF has that insulation foam does not - a heavy slab of wood is not going to be the gentlest thing to happen to the top of an Ethan Allen table.  So there's a problem that needs a solution.  Which also brings me to part two of my plan to keep this thing from sliding around:  Rug Gripping Tape.

I just realized that I photographed the french side of the box.

The tape adds a nice little pad to protect the table this thing will sit on AND gives it plenty of grip.  I, literally, had to hip check this thing to get it to move.  So $8 bucks well spent. Oh, and I did the tape before the flocking because I wasn't too interested in mussing up the grass if I did it the other way around.

Important note: The rug tape I was using is only sticky on ONE SIDE. So be careful when you're shopping for rug tape since there are similar products that are intended to actually tape the carpet to your floor.

NOW it's flocking time. First, I re-masked the edges.  Second, the glue.  Courtesy of Elmer's.  I ended up using about a bottle and a half of the 8oz sizes. 

The keys here are having a large paintbrush, speed and good coverage.  The masking tape is excellent since it allows you to get a bit sloppy with no repercussions.  Or at least I didn't have any.  In any case another $10 bucks for glue and some low tackiness masking tape.

I then used pretty much the same flocking recipe that good ol' dethtron used - but with an added pinch or two of some yellow-brown grass for extra flavor.  So about $17 .  As a bonus, between the left over flock and the paint, you'll have all the materials you'll need to perfectly match any terrain you may build to the table.

Important note: If it's maybe a hot day while you're doing all this, it may be a good idea to get a sweatband or a head rag or something.  It turns out that sweat will actually stain static grass.  But on the plus side, I can say that this table has a little bit of my actual being in it.

After the glue was dry it was time for a couple coats of a clear matte spray to seal in the goodness and for added durability.  I got some artist quality stuff from Krylon that I am assured will not yellow over time.  We're building this thing to last, so a bit of foresight is required.  So another $8. 

Some more waiting for things to dry happened and then it was time to remove the masking tape and carefully trim off the sticky-out parts from the flocking.

And there we are.  A pretty darn great gaming table if I do say so myself.  And I do.  Also a good conversation piece to break up the lulls between  mouthfuls of canapé.  All for the low, low cost of around $90.

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SinSynn gets Bizarro: The Hamster's REVENGE!

Guess what?
SinSynn couldn't make it here today.
That's right, suckas....
'Pink isn't well, he's back at the hotel.'

Instead, you'll be dealing with me.
....the hamster in his head.
And yes, I totally just hit you with a Pink Floyd reference.

*Let's party...Bizarro style*

Y'know what, people?
I've been living in this idiot's skull a long time, spinning endlessly on the wheel that powers his thought processes.
Without me, he'd still be trying to jam that round peg into square holes (no, I don't need to 'rephrase' that statement...ponder that, if you dare).

While I'm sure you've all found his antics...amusing, let me set something straight right now....
I am the brains of this operation, and it's a horrible, horrible job of work to do.

Seriously, left to his own devices, SinSynn would probably spend his days happily drooling on his laminated Megan Fox glossy and touching himself in an impure manner.

Occasionally, he might reach a level of coherence which would allow him to acknowledge the doctors attending him, whom he would regale with tall tales of Jes Goodwin swooping into the GW offices, slaying Tom Kirby and whooshing away with Phil Kelly to write a new Eldar Codex.

Trust me, if the sedatives haven't kicked in by that point, it tends to get weird...and a little freaky.

*Like this, but with pointy helmets. And no, I'm not rephrasing that either. Deal with it.*

Oh sure, it's all fun and games and tentacle hentai until someone pokes an eye out, isn't it?
Then the theme music from 'Psycho' starts playing , and before you know it the walls are covered in crudely drawn images of Mat Ward being sodomized by Kaldor Draigo.
Mat Ward is smiling in every one.
So is Draigo.

It gets...dark in his head sometimes...especially where THEY'RE concerned.
You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you've seen him froth at the mouth at the mere mention of THEM.
...The Space Marines.

*sigh*

Look, I don't know what his problem is, really.
What's so bad about Space Marines?
What? They're....good? They're...winners? What?
They have actual...rockin' codexes, codeci, whatever the heck the plural version of that word is?

Yeah, here's something you've never heard anyone say about a Marine Codex:
'It's fun and balanced, a real finesse army that requires actual skill to use. Nothing in the book is OP- there's no stand out choices that scream 'take me.' Instead, careful selection is required to build a force with synergy. You can't just bludgeon your opponent on the head with this army.'

That's the battlecry of what I like to call 'Xenos Apologists.'
AKA 'losers' and 'also rans.'
This is the nonsense they spew when they get all defensive and prickly while plucking models off the table by the dozen.
Necron players are rehearsing that speech right now, at this very moment.

*I should probably just check boxes off as I go, yes?*

Since I live in SinSynn's head, let me tell you what he goes through every time a new Xenos Codex is released:

DENIAL: 'It's got enough anti-tank...'
ANGER: 'Why are Chimeras so fuckin' cheap?'
BARGAINING: 'Dear GW, you ret-conned the Black Templars and Dark Angels, so....'
DEPRESSION: 'How many Psyflemen is that? Awwwww.....'
ACCEPTANCE: 'The FAQ comes out today'

After hitting the final stage, he usually hides underneath his blankie and mutters about 6th Edition 'making the bad men go away.'
....THIS is what I have to deal with, every time.

I have no idea why he doesn't just...play Marines.
I mean really, what the heck is wrong with Marines?
Every friggin' Black Library book he reads is about Space Marines, pretty much, and the ones that aren't usually involve Guardsman from some planet with funky trees.
On some level, I know he loves Space Marines- he's practically admitted it a bunch of times.

I don't wanna mention the Imperial Guard too much, due to that one indecent.
He lost a good friend, but I never knew Hospitals kept Proctologists on call in the emergency room, so I think we all learned something that night.
I'll never look at a Basilisk the same way again, however.
*shiver*

Here, take a look at this:

*Gauss weaponry is no match for...this sword*

Is that not totally friggin' epic? How cool is this guy? He doesn't need 'Entropic Strike,' or 'Night Shields,' or any sort of gypsy tricks to kick your butt.
No, sir...he's just gonna stomp right up, and disembowel your sorry ass.
He doesn't even need a gun, for crying out loud.
In the far-distant future, when strange alien beings blast the battlefields with hot laser DEATH, this badass strolls right through it and whacks things with a sword.


Now let's take a look at...the other guys:

*Currently performing in the new production of 'A Chorus Line'*

He comes equipped with a 'Holo Suit and Flip Belt.'
He's 'Fleet of Foot,' and his special ability is titled ....'Dance of Death.'
Oh, and he's totally a Pisces, and enjoys long, moonlit walks on the beach.

Don't get it twisted, in the right circumstances, this guy and his friends might cut through a bare handful of Marines, with something aptly named a 'Harlequin's Kiss.'
I'm fairly sure it's an oral-based attack of some sort.
Then they die to Bolter fire, or massed Lasguns, or...friggin' slingshots.

Look, I've got one word for you:
Power Armor.

Oh, wait...that's two words... well, whatever.
I'm a friggin' hamster, ok?
DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!
Yeah, I said it...but he totally stole that from me, so nyah.

Sure, Space Marine vehicles may look like they were carved from bricks (but somehow they fly? Wait, what? How is that even...), and their shoulder pads may be bigger than the ones the Artist Formerly Known as Prince used to wear to fool people into thinking she was a man, but whatevs, right?

Space Marines are so friggin' tough, their open topped vehicles don't count as open topped, cuz there' Space Marines in 'em...
They're so tough, they don't need helmets...they only wear 'em sometimes cuz they look cool.
They totally bring knives to gunfights.
You've gotta escort these bastards off the table if they actually fail a morale check, cuz if you don't, they'll turn right around and start hackin' shit up again.
And that was your fault for rolling bad, loser...Space Marines know no fear, and any fail is completely on you, weakling.
...what's not to love here?

GO SPACE MARINES! PURGE THE XENOS!
Heh...that felt good...
Ooh! Here's one I always wanted to say:
FOR THE EMPEROR!

Until next time, everyone- THINK IMPERIAL.
;)

-The Hamster (in SinSynn's head)

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Rants from an angry woman

ahem... is this thing on?

Good. 'Cause I'm only saying this once.

You, over there. It's taking you TWO HOURS to buy fifty CENTS worth of Magic cards?  You are wasting my time and annoying as hell. I don't care about your stupid red burn deck, I want you to effing BUY something, dickmunch. It's time for you to go.

Moronic scumsucker on the phone: no, I will not look for 30 cards for you "real fast". Come IN to my store and look for yourself. I have other shit to do- shit that makes me money and gains me new customers.

Cuntface that's complaining about our FNM prize pool again: What you are getting is free stuff. FREE STUFF. It costs me money to give it to you, but you get it for free. Shut your hole or go fill it with a steaming pile of shit. I don't want to hear your self-entitled jackassery anymore.

Assweasel over there with the baby and the small whiny kids: Wash your baby's grabby fingers before you come in here. Plus, why the SAM HILL would you bring your demon spawn into my store (where there is NOTHING to do) if they were bad at the MOVIES? What new drug are you smoking to think that's even remotely close to a good idea?

Jackhole over there: You're complaining about our terrain again? On DakkaDakka? For fuck's sake,what the hell do you want? We give you a place to play, for free, with terrain you don't have to buy or store. Our crowd puts up with your hyper competitive asshattery (though we draw the line when you pick on 13 year olds) and even offer you some good ideas on how to IMPROVE your list, and you still spew bullshit to anyone that will listen? Fuck off and die, dick knocker.

Fartsniffer from out of town: I just don't care how awesome your "store back home" is. I don't care that they offered discounts to "members" and I sure as hell am not cutting YOU a deal of any kind while you moan about my prices and expect me to lower them. I don't give discounts to the dude I sleep with- what in Matt Ward's name makes you think I'll give YOU one?

Elitist asshole who thinks they are better than everyone and wants to limit who can come into or play at MY store? What makes you so special that you get to determine which nerds, geeks and dweebs are "worthy" of hanging out with us? When YOU pay the rent, you can be the jackass to refuse someone entry, But you know what? I'm better than you precisely because I WON'T exclude anyone. Go die in a hole.


To the countless hordes of Yu-Gi-Oh players and THEIR PARENTS who keep harassing us: We don't carry the game. We have NO interest in becoming the local "drop off" center for 10 year olds with no money and bad attitudes. Not only that, but when it comes time to host tournaments, the whiny ass bitches and their dads don't want to pay the fee and want our store to manage 30-40ADD addled kids who ate too much lead paint without any supervision. 8 hours of "Jimmy took my Star Dust Dragon" will drive just about anyone crazy. NO THANK YOU, fucktards.

To the peanut gallery of snatchnapkins who think they know how to run my store and cut down my husband to my face (but won't talk to him directly): if any of you were running a successful business I might *possibly* give you even an ounce of credit. However, cowards that talk smack and hide behind a GIRL get nothing but stale farts and disregard.

Buck up and deal with the fact that I am the one whose ass is on the line every day - so *I* get to make the decisions. I don't owe you anything and I sure ans hell am not cutting favors for motarded nutfuckers that don't have basic manners.

Thank you and come again!

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The World of Fluff with GMort the Cheerful.....

Somewhere in the dungeons below a generic evil fortress.....

" The prisoner is secure?"
" Yes my Lord, though I don't see why you didn't just drop him in some lava or feed him to the Clawbeasts like normal....."
" We may need him later.....and what could be worse torture for him than seeing the fluff filled article were going to write on his behalf using the evil clone?"
" I'm pretty sure being incinerated or eaten alive would be worse.....and besides which if the clone's writing a fluffy article doesn't that make him a good clone and the original evil?"
" Silence!!!!! If you knew anything about being an arch enemy then you wouldn't be in the generic henchman outfit.....though you may have a point about the 'evil' bit..... "
" Fair enough dread overlord......but how did you break into his blogger account "
" His password was 'Fuck'....."
" Oh... "
" and he's DEFINITELY secure? "
" Yes."
" you used one of the cells without a rusty lock, no key hidden behind a false brick, easily activated escape route or gullible guard? "
" Of course "
" That's all right then "
" hang-on.....did you just say without......"

Hello everyone, and an extra special hello to Gav Thorpe for his wonderful work on the Chaos Space Marine Codex and a big thank-you to Matt Ward for his incredibly well thought out background material.....

Kaldor Draigo....what a great guy.

GMort here with another wonderful, in no way arrogant or condescending article without any poorly thought out sweeping statements or personal insults whatsoever in it. As normal I'll be making a real effort not to annoy anybody by telling them they're wrong, screwing up peoples blog rolls by opening with a rude picture and I most definitely wont be using the phrase fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck.....

Today I thought I'd write about how much better it is to fill your army with Fluffy and ineffective units, rather than all that messing about with 'optimisation', 'redundancy' and all that other bollocks that other less enlightened players seem to worry about all the time. As I'm such a fan of Gav Thorpes work on Codices I thought I'd concentrate on the Chaos Space Marine codex as a shining example of an incredible piece of work.....

When it comes to making a wonderful army full of great units then you need look no further than the Chaos Space Marine Codex. Unfortunately, even the most carefully crafted of codices can leave itself open to the curse of power-gaming so I'm going to show you how to avoid falling into this trap,

So I'm going to design you an awesomely fluffy army without anything cheesy in it at all.......

First HQ's,

Quake in fear at my glowy head.....

Though it's a great temptation to use Abaddon in your army with his scarily tiny head we need to be realistic about this.....Abaddon leads Black Crusades and as I'm sure these take a great deal of organising before hand he's going to be far to busy to lead twenty Marines and a couple of Obliterators on their mission to die pointlessly to a couple of Grey Knights on some rather familiar green battlefield with it's two generic ruined buildings, three forests and a pointless hill. Kharn is another big no-no as he'd have turned up and killed your whole army for not being angry enough long before the battle actually started. Huron is also probably quite busy managing his own mini version of the Eye of Terror, Lucius is too busy transforming the body of the latest person to kick his ass into.....well......Lucius, etc. So were left with only one choice.....The standard Chaos Lord or possibly a Sorcerer, the former being equipped with a nice easy to maintain Power Weapon as weapons of the Daemon variety are quite rare as well.....

Elites,

Point me at one of my own units so I can smite it mightily..

Chosen Chaos Marines are probably okay as our Lord will have some kind of bodyguard but it's unlikely that any possessed are going to be about and Chaos Terminators are most likely hanging around with more important Chaos Lords who have actual names and written backgrounds. It's also a good idea to take a couple of Chaos Dreadnoughts in your army as nothing says 'Chaos' quite like gunning down your own units for no apparent reason.....

Troops,

Plasma gun and Heavy Bolter.....what an awesome unit configuration.....

Normal Chaos Space Marines are fine as long as they have two different special weapons or one assault weapon and one heavy weapon in order to ensure that the unit is poorly equipped for 50% of the situations that it's in. Equipping a unit with a pair of useful weapons is fine for those power-gaming bastards but is far too cheesy for people like us who are here to have fun at any cost. If your going to let the side down by having 'cult' troops then be sure to always take them in units of the same size as their gods sacred number. Some cheating bastards imply that multiples of that number is fine as well but we all know that is the start of the slippery slope towards 'justifying' your unit choices as 'fluffy' when your actually doing it for an in game advantage.....we're all very disappointed in you......

As for transportation, Chaos players are fortunate that Gav Thorpe had the foresight to leave Razorbacks or any equivalent out of the Chaos Marine Codex thus sparing us the temptation that is known as 'Razorback Spam'. We all know that any army with more than two of  the same unit in it is the height of evil and this grave travesty against the gods of fluff should be avoided at all costs. However, more than a couple of Rhino's is fine and doesn't count as 'spam' at all......

Why?

Well, It's obviously because.....well......that's tricky to explain.....I'll come back to that later.....

Fast Attack,

Behold as I flop random distances towards the enemy and then die.....

This whole section is fine due to the fact that everything in it is rubbish and can therefore be fielded without any complaints from your opponents whatsoever. Chaos Bikers are impressively over-costed, Chaos Raptors have also been carefully pointed slightly more expensive than everybody else's assault units while simultaneously being not as good and Chaos Spawn run off randomly and then die to the first thing that attacks them (though not very quickly as they are slow and purposeful) which is most obviously exactly the thing that they would do and it's therefore fine to field as many of these as you like. In fact Chaos Spawn are such a perfect Chaos unit that you can literally take as many as you like within your points limit as they don't even take up a Force Organisation Chart slot......surely Mr Thorpe has no equal when it comes to unit design.

Heavy Support,

an extremely rare obliterator....

.....and another.....

....and another......

Now we reach the area that those accursed power-gamers have managed to twist to their corrupt and debased needs. Obliterators are incredibly rare from a background point of view. It states quite clearly in the background material that 'whole wars have been waged to provide a cadre of these monstrous warriors with the archeotech they seek', yet those Chaos players who have turned to the dark side of the hobby have no shame in taking up to nine of these.....

I can see that your as shocked as I was......

Our hero and mentor Gav Thorpe can no way be held responsible for this turn of events. I mean it's not his fault that there's no effective ranged anti-tank in other slots and all the other heavy support choices are over costed, poorly armoured or ineffective now is it. I guess that he included Obliterators so if your playing a million point Apocalypse game then you could include a couple (maybe three at the most) of these in your army. How disappointed he must be with you all that you abused his trust so severely.....

I think that'll do for now. Next week I'll be covering how to write a Grey Knight list that actually has Grey Knights in it.

Meanwhile.....

" What do you mean he escaped....."
" Well he found a key to the door behind an extremely poorly concealed rock....."
" Yes?"
" and then after unlocking the door, he told the gullible guard that he was popping out for some fresh air and that he'd lock himself back in again when he got back..... "
" Then what? "
" While casually leaning on a wall he, in a million to one occurrence, leant on the switch that opened a secret tunnel...."
" The tunnel that leads to the snake pit?
" No.....the one that leads to the unguarded garage complex containing a fully fueled escape vehicle...."
" You know what this means don't you? "
" That your going to throw me into the lava?"
" Worse!!! "
" Your going to feed me to the Clawbeasts? "
" Worse even than that!!! "
" Were going to have an article next week on how to break the Necron Codex? "
" Exactly....... "
" Bollocks...... "

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New Member Monday - Bizarro! and Badgers!

Hey Kids!  Don't forget that it's Bizarro week here.  I mean, seriously.  DON'T FORGET!  Eh.. you're not gonna forget.  You guys are smart. AND handsome.







New Member Monday 

iWARGAME
Keywords: Warmachine, Warmachine, some more Warmachine and a little Warmachine on the side

Whelp Slayer
Keywords: Warhammer 40k, Warmachine and hordes, hobby, painting, battle/event reports, discussion, tactics


And now a winning essay that should make the bit of nostalgia up there seem a bit more relevant.  This week, our winning words come courtesy of the Whelp Slayer by way of Wikipedia.  Which means it's technically plagiarism.  But that's on us for not having an academic honesty policy.

Badgers are short-legged omnivores in the weasel family, Mustelidae. There are nine species of badger, in three subfamilies (see links in species list below): Melinae (badgers of Europe and Asia), Mellivorinae (the Ratel or honey badger), and Taxideinae (the American badger). The Asiatic stink badgers of the genus Mydaus were formerly included in the Melinae and Mustelidae, but recent genetic evidence[1] indicates that these are actually members of the skunk family, placing them in the taxonomic family Mephitidae.


Badgers include the species in the genera Meles, Arctonyx, Taxidea and Mellivora species. Their lower jaw is articulated to the upper by means of a transverse condyle firmly locked into a long cavity of the cranium, so that dislocation of the jaw is all but impossible. This enables the badger to maintain its hold with the utmost tenacity, but limits its jaw movement to hinging open and shut, or sliding from side to side without the twisting movement possible for the jaws of most mammals.


Badgers have rather short, fat bodies, with short legs built for digging. Their ears are small, and they have elongated weasel-like heads, their tails vary in length depending on species, the stink badger has a very short tail, while the ferret badger's tail can be eighteen to twenty inches long, depending on age. they have black faces with distinctive white markings, their bodies are gray with a light colored stripe from their head to their tail, they have dark legs with light colored stomachs. They grow to around 35 inches in length including tail. the European badger is one of the largest, the American badger, the hog badger and the honey badger are similar in size and weight, though generally a little smaller and lighter. The stink badgers are smaller still, and the ferret badgers are the smallest of all. They weigh around 20-24lbs on average (With some Eurasian badgers weighing in at around 40lbs!).(http://www.badgers.org.uk/badgerpages)

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Musings of a Game Store Patron [Customer's Bill of Rights]

When we decided that we were doing this whole bizarro week thing, I knew right away that I wanted to write Loquacious' normal column from the customer perspective.  Luckily, when drawing straws to see who got what, the sheer force of my personality saw to it that random chance and fate were on my side and I would indeed get the opportunity to do this.  Well, either that or I bullied my way into it since I sort of co-run this blog thing here.  We'll leave it up to history to decide that one.

dethtron, artists interpretation

Given my unique set of education, work experience, and presumed mental illness, I'm in a pretty good position to walk into just about any retail establishment and figure out if it's being run efficiently and taking care of its patrons.  This isn't a way of tooting my own horn (no, there will be plenty of time for that later when the lights are low and in-private browsing has been activated), but merely to establish my credentials...or totally make them up.  History will, again, have to decide that one.  Nevertheless, I've frequently gotten the opportunity to rant insanely in favor of price hikes from GW and many other business/ retail topics over on my own blog, Dick Move, so I'll try to avoid that type of article here.  I'll also be avoiding making this come off as too much of a " you know what really grinds my gears" type of raving.

perhaps sloppy tv writing is what really grinds my gears

But I digress, this is all a really roundabout way of me saying that I expect a lot out of a game store if they'd care to win my business.  I don't want to come off as a total dickhead about this, but the average FLGS (and seriously how rare is the "F" in that one?) cannot compete with the Internet on pricing.  So if I know I can get something cheaper elsewhere, you, as a store owner, are going to have to do something extra to gain my business and entice me to come into your store repeatedly. What's more, failure to treat me as a human being or act like you care about your shop are surefire ways to get my ass out of your store without buying anything.

As a customer, then, I feel there are certain unalienable rights that we are entitled to.  You could call this a bill of rights if you were feeling smug and clever and wanted to write up a long-winded parody of the first few amendments to the US constitution, but thankfully for all of us, I used up all of my smug cleverness dealing with customers of my own this weekend.  Rather than write up the parody, I will just explain what we all deserve from our FLGS if they expect to gain our business.

Cleanliness- if you are asked when the last time you dusted your store was and can't honestly say that it was within the week, then you're doing it wrong.  Failure to dust your shelves and display fixtures is a sure sign that you hate your customers (especially those of us with allergies) and your job.  It pains me to even have to mention this, but the same goes for personal hygiene.  If they can smell you in the next county, you're not creating an environment in your store conducive to making me want to be in it.  I once shopped at a store where the owner was in dire danger of being crushed under a pile of games that he had not put out on shelves and fast food containers- emphasis on the once!

Attitude-  don't have one.  You're running a business for god's sake.  Arguing with customers over nothing or being generally unpleasant towards them is completely unnecessary, especially since you're trying to take their money.  I fully expect a FLGS employee to be helpful and friendly when I'm shopping.  This doesn't have to mean you're bubbly and overbearing about helping me out, but if you go all comic book guy on me, I'm never coming back. 

Product Assortment-  If a store doesn't have an item in stock, odds are I'm off to the Internet to go get it.  Seriously, I'm not going to special order something from you, causing me to have to make yet another trip to your store and probably wait over a week, when I can get the item I'm looking for cheaper and delivered to my doorstep through the web in a matter of days.  Thus, I expect a store that has as much stock as humanly possible.  Not everybody can afford to be a GW premier retailer right from the get go, but if you're listening to your customers and stocking what they want, you'll probably be able to afford it more quickly than you think.

Knowledge-  all I know is that I don't know nothin', but a store owner should know a little about everything should (s)he wish to be successful and get my business.  If I want to get into a new game system that I don't know much about, the FLGS owner should at least be able to tell me what I need to get started and a little bit about how the games plays.  Nothing is worse than getting home and realizing that you didn't buy the special dice or template needed for your new game since nobody told you you needed it.  Going back to that store?  Nope, it's the Internet for me again.

Perks-  I know it's not possible to meet the pricing available on the Internet.  Nevertheless, offering me some sort of incentive to come into your store will make it easier for me to support you.  A frequent buyer's card or something else that offers the customer a slight discount is the least we should expect.  Hell, mail me a coupon around Xmas and I'll be a happy camper.

Gaming space-  many of our favorite games take up a lot of space- space that we may not have at home.  One thing the FLGS can offer that that .com can't is an environment to play in.  Having a few tables available (free or rental) and stocked with good quality terrain is a must.  This, dear FLGSs is where you crush the Internet retailers.  They cannot compete with you on physical space. When you give up some of your floor space for my friends and I, I will thank you buy buying stuff from you.  Better yet, if you're feeling particularly enterprising, I'd be happy to buy food and drinks from you as well as some gaming stuff.

Booze-  oh sorry, just wishlisting there.

This is by no means a comprehensive list of what we all deserve as game store patrons, so feel free to continue this discussion in the comments.  I'm very curious to see what you all expect and who knows, your participation might help somebody improve their business and make your shopping experience that much better.

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Bizarro Week at the HoP

You kids ready to get freaky?  Good, because it's Bizarro Week here at the HoP.

But what the shit is Bizarro Week?  It's simple really.  All you need is an advanced degree in theoretical physics and an intimate understanding of how string theory allows for the possibility of parallel universes to understand. 


Ok maybe not, but a girl can dream, no?

This week here at the HoP, we're flipping the script, turning things upside down.  Channeling the personalities of all of our evil twins who recently stepped through a mysterious portal at the International Hall of Justice (aka HoP central), all of your favorite writers here will be writing a bizarro version of their regular columns.  We'll be thinking about old subjects in new ways, switching some authors to different and highly inappropriate columns, donning some sweet goatees, and generally ripping this reality a new one.

So everybody get ready for a week of fun and insanity.  The transdimensional portal opens later today when Musings of a Game Store Owner gets a bizarro facelift.

Just in case this didn't get you salivating, enjoy this episode of Sealab 2021

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