'I can't believe this,' exclaims the Hamster that lives in my head, 'this is simply unbelievable.'
'What can't you believe,' I ask him, 'that she's late again?'
The Hamster lifts a single fuzzy eyebrow.
'No,' he replies, 'that I cantotally believe. She's probably beating some poor sod to death with words and a very cute purse. What I can't believe is that we somehow ended up here.'
I look around, and I gotta say...I'm wondering the very same thing myself, for the Hamster and I seem to have found ourselves in a bit of a pickle.
'I mean, really,' says the somewhat dumbfounded Hamster, 'who ever knew that this place really existed?'
A voice booms out:
'THE INTERNET COURT OF COMMON DECENCY NOW CALLS SINSYNN TO THE STAND.'
'Heh. Time to face the music, buddeh,' sniggers the Hamster, 'I'm just gonna go hit the concession booth, or sumpthin.''
Two very large uniformed men are dragging me to the stand.
'Go find her,' I shout back over my shoulder, 'get her in here! Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp!'
Loquacious is outside the courthouse, amid a throng of incensed people, most of whom appear to be male. They are all talking and arguing at the same time, a consensus of angry voices all rising out of the crowd. Lo's normally big voice pierces the din, but only snippets of her words can be heard. Something about “you're doing it wrong” can be heard coming from her general direction. The crowd shifts and moves like tidal waves and we lose sight of Lo' for the moment.
'Yer Honor...ma'am...I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I never meant to do...whatever it is I'm being accused of doing.'
As I plead with the Judge, I let the ducts in my stalked, multi-lensed ocular appendages fill with a bit of liquid. Terran females are suckers for da waterworks.
'You see,' I continue, adding a bit of quiver to my lower lip, 'I have a Hamster...living in my head, and...'
When the Judge replies, her voice, thevoice, seems to boom from everywhere. The Judge's lips never move, but her eyes fill with bright, red, angry flames and seem to emphasize every word angrily.
'WOULD THE DEFENDANT PLEASE POINT OUT THE ALLEGED HAMSTER FOR THE COURT? HE MAY BE CALLED TO TESTIFY.'
'Uhhhh,' I stammer, 'he's actually...not here. He's trying to find my lawyer...who's late, clearly.'
'MR. SIN. THIS COURT WILL NOT STAND FOR YOUR SHENANIGANS, OR YOUR THEATRICS. THE RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU DID WILLFULLY AND WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT, POST THIS:'
Oh jeez. Suddenly it all becomes clear. Now I know why the Internet police showed up at my lair in the middle of the night and carted me away. I thought maybe it was for all those unpaid 'bad grammar/overuse of italics and quotation marks' tickets I've gotten over the years...those things made excellent 'Hamster cage liner.'
My reverie is interrupted by the doors leading to the courtroom being thrown open dramatically.
Loquacious bustles into the courthouse, adjusting her suit and brandishing her briefcase more like a shield than a tool of the trade, breathing heavily and muttering gently as she finds a seat at the bench. The Judge shoots her a look, and the two women share a look of commiseration.
I notice the look pass between the women, and I begin wondering if my choice of lawyers was wise...
Muttering a quick prayer to Testacles, the Greek god of pornography, I stand up to address both the court and Judge.
'Ladies and gentlemen, yer Honor...allow me to introduce my lawyer- the lovely, luminous Loquacious. She is representing me today, and will prove beyond any reasonable doubt that my post had merit. For example, this fine article was linked in the comments.'
'...And that is far from all, yer Honor. Not only did my post garner many intelligent, thoughtful comments from both bloggers and readers alike, but it led to several really well written pieces elsewhere, that did a lot to further the discussion...a discussion that I started, I might add.'
'I SEE. SO TELL ME, MR. SIN, WERE ANY OF THOSE INTELLIGENT, THOUGHTFUL COMMENTS YOURS?IS ANY OF WHAT TRANSPIRED A RESULT OF YOUR DESIGN, OR DID YOU JUST TRY TO COVER UP YOUR OWN STUPIDITY BY TYPING LENGTHY RESPONSES IN A FAILED ATTEMPT TO APPEAR LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?'
I literally feel my manhood struggle to detach itself from my body.
I look desperately to my lawyer....
Loquacious smiles, clears her throat, and begins speaking to the Judge.
“Your Honor, if I may. While Mr. Sin is at times less than wise in his choice of words, and sometimes immature, I can assure you he is perfectly intelligent. His antics and postings did more for intellectual conversations than a group of bigots trying to adopt a highway. His particular additions in this case had a specific ability to garner commentary from across the globe- from the States all the way to Oz. His actions were masterful, somewhat like perhaps he planned it. Here's an example of the responses to his almost manipulative post.”
I feel emboldened by the grit my lawyer is displaying, and I chime in again.
'It's also fair to mention, yer Honor, that my esteemed lawyer contributed to this discussion, as well. Not just once, but twice, in fact.'
Loquacious, acting as SinSynn's lawyer, gives the Alien a look of daggers, and then smiles at the Judge.
“Yes, your Honor, I did indeed add to this conversation. My first written response was so angry and upset in general it invited a pile-on of epic proportions. The overall level of male swagger was pretty high. I do feel those that read the article missed the point, so I elaborated further.”
“This has garnered a more measured and considered response, but on a far more limited scale. I think that says something for how few men are capable of thinking clearly.”
I make a strangled noise in my voice box and grumble at my lawyer.
The Judge glowers at me.
'PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE ANOTHER REMARK REGARDING HER VERY CUTE PURSE, MR. SIN.'
'Ummm,' I muse, 'not unless she's got one in her briefcase, no...'
Loquacious is glowering at me now, too. I decide maybe it's best to sit down and let my lawyer earn (extremely exorbitant) fees.
'Don't forget to mention the Warp Signal posts,' I whisper to Loquacious, 'and the Chickhammer one, too...'
Loquacious offers; “Now Mr. Sin did bring about some well considered and very insightful offerings into the foray via James S one of our friends from “Down Under”. Maybe it's because he's on the other side of the world, but he's got an actual point and makes it well.”
“James sees that he could say more, just to be fair, and continues here. I have to say that without Mr. Sin's antics, we would not have this, either.”
Loquacious tries her best with this final commentary.
“I wasn't the only woman discussing the way men treat ladies, and one post stuck out so much that OTHER women commented on it and posted in reply to her. Isn't giving a voice to women something we should be encouraging?”
The Judge has been listening carefully and even had softened somewhat at certain points of the arguments being presented to her. However, at the moment she seems most likely to be lenient, she looks over at the Tentacled Menace and notices him wink at her while making obscene gestures with one of his appendages.
'MR. SIN...BEFORE THIS COURT PASSES JUDGEMENT ON YOU, HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?'
I attempt a fearful gulp, but I'm dry.
'No, yer honor,' I manage to choke out, 'I throw myself on the tender mercy of the Court.'
'DOES YOUR LAWYER HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD?'
Loquacious slaps SinSynn on the back of the head and mutters “I can't save you from yourself”.
Loquacious' reply is brief and to the point.
“Your Honor, my client is a Knucklehead.”
'SINSYNN, THIS COURT SENTENCES YOU TO WATCH ALL THE TWILIGHT MOVIES, EVERY SEASON OF SEX IN THE CITY...'
Okay, I think to myself, this is bad....but I'll survive.
'FURTHERMORE, THESE COURT OFFICERS WILL ESCORT YOU TO YOUR LAIR, WHERE ALL OF YOUR TENTACLE HENTAI WILL BE ERASED IMMEDIATELY.'
She bangs the gavel down.
'THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.'
I can't hear the last sentence over the sound of my own scream of denial.
'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'
As the two burly Court Officers lead me away, I see the Hamster pop his head out of my lawyer's briefcase.
'You didn't even bring the case file,' he squeaks,'this briefcase is filled with porno.'
