HoP test bed: Where in the World is Lantz

Showing posts with label Where in the World is Lantz. Show all posts

HoP Idol Audition Submissions: My First Tourney, The Lantz McDonald Story

Last, but certainly not least, we've got a blast from the HoP past making his writing debut on this blog with our final HoP Idol audition from Twin Linked Awesome's Lantz. If you've been with us since the very way back when this site began, you may remember Lantz's frequent photo appearances here to help us pump up our post count. I'm not sure if we ever really got to thank him for sending in those pics every week, so we're going to say thank you now as we allow him to audition to maybe write on this blog permanently.

Friends have a way of persuading us outside of our comfort zone, we all know this to be true. I'll be honest; I'm swayed easily, especially if a good idea catches me off guard. However, through and through I thought I would never participate in a 40k tournament. It's just not my style, winning isn't a big deal for me in general and playing a game of any kind against someone who is WAAC makes for a less than entertaining day for someone like myself. I love playing 40k with friends in a happy-go-mom-jokes environment. It's easy, it's fun and it costs less than a prostitute up until the latest GW price hike. But, here I am, three years into my 40k journey preparing for a tourney.. After attending some tournaments for cheering on friends I have to admit it doesn't seem as obnoxious as I thought it was. My expectations typically do have a way of superseding any real-world situations, and I'm hoping this is one of those instances. I'm almost prepped and ready to go, so what did I do to prepare for this and what are my expectations?

It's no secret my focus for 40k has been on the fandex I'm developing, which means my other armies fall by the waste-side. I've played, gotten bored of and then sold off my Eldar and Ultramarines in the past, so what I'm left with is my favorite army in the 40k universe; Necrons.

If we could please take a moment to check the WAAC and veteran tourney player's pulse to make sure they're still breathing...I'll wait. We're good? Okay, then. Yes, Necrons are my only tourney option at this time, but even if they weren't I'd still stick with 'em. As mentioned above, winning isn't that important to me. I'd rather just have a laid-back enjoyable experience with an army that's fun to play. For me, it's Necrons. I'm not ashamed and I do not apologize for playing robot-zombies, and I never will. I'm quite aware that they're the least competitive army as of this writing, but so long as I'm having fun I could care less.

So what's my goal? What do I hope to get out of this tourney other than a fun time? Well, I'm not an idiot; I realize I'm playing Necrons and all that comes with the decision. My goal with this list isn't to win, attempting to win will cause me to make decisions based on wild assumptions such as...ya' know, winning with Necrons. My goal is to be that player, the one that will barely pull away with a tie, ie: not leaving the WAAC player victorious. Through practice games I'm 5 out of 7 for ties and I have my basic strategy down. Another goal I have is to not come in last overall, to come out on top of any other army would make me pleased as punch.

Also, I'm hoping for a door prize.

Oh yes..

Game on bitches.

Where in the World Is Lantz: Jack Palantz and the Legend of Lantz's Gold

Hey there boys and girls, wanna check in on what Lantz, everyone's favorite magnet pro, is up to this week on his western ranch vacation retreat for yuppies? I know I do.


Quoth the Lantz: "To protect my head against that nasty hair thing that's going around."

Personally I'd have gone for an energy dome, but those heavy bolters might help ward off the evils of "that nasty hair thing." Look on the bright side, though, Lantz, at least you can grow yourself one of those sweet skulletts I've been hearing so much about.

....and now for this week's Not at all Shameful Grab for Filler Content Contest

I'd like to declare a winner from last week, but it seems Lauby turned the whole thing on it's head, going all POMO and filling the entire post with only the word Lantz, so I don't know who would be the real winner here. Let's just say that anybody who read the whole thing should pat yourself on the back for making it through. It might be a good time to think about your life, though. As for the tag line contest from 2 weeks ago, don't fear, your lines will be added to the taglineomattic 5,000 soon.

For this week's contest, post a pic of your most recently painted model in the comments. Coolest one wins the Internet and gets to come up with the next week's contest.

Also don't forget to visit the World of Wonder and the Digital Waaagh!!!, they're both running contests right now that actually have prize support! Holy Shit!

Where in the World is Lantz? - Eldar Bright Lantz

Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz!! Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz. Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz; Lantz Lantz Lantz. Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz, Lantz Lantz, Lantz Lantz. Lantz Lantz Lantz.
Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz - Lantz Lantz (Lantz Lantz).

Lantz Lantz, Lantz Lantz.

Lantz :

Lantz sez: "It's some sort of itching burn, I think I got it from this lady in Power Armour."

Lantz - Lantz Lantz - Lantz Lantz?

Lantz Lantz. Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz ~~Lantz Lantz~~ Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz, Lantz Lantz 'Lantz' Lantz Lantz.

Gribbelenuts_peanuts sez: "Lantz?!"

Lantz Lantz Lantz Lantz.

Lantz... Not at all Shameful Grab for Filler Content Contest Lantz;

In 10 words or less, Lantz.

Where in the World is Lantz? - Lantz Crafters: Glasses in About an Hour

The Lantz puns are getting a little thin on the ground, but Dethtron and I are as committed to cheap laughs as we are to Phlogiston theory. Which is quite a lot, as it turns out.

We're also committed to helping Lantz promote himself in as sexualized a manner as possible. Beyond being an excellent home-brew rules writer know for his unflagging wit, Lantz is basically a piece of meat. Sexy, sexy meat. Have a look and feel free to add this to your spank banks.:

Though the picture speaks for itself, Lantz sex sez: "Are those Monoliths or am I just excited about the new Necron rumors?"

On top of this already better than normal Thursday, I have an even cooler thing to share. Last week, Dethtron couldn't share exactly what was going on with the previous tagline contest. You all won, but no one knew exactly what that meant.

Take a look at the top of this very page. See that under the main logo? That's one of the taglines submitted. If it's not yours, refresh the page. I'll wait.

....

Pretty fuckin' cool huh? That's a rhetorical question. We all know that answer to that is: JAWOHL!

But wait! There's even more cool stuff. Last week's Not at all Shameful Grab for Filler Content Contest was all about New Year's resolutions. There were some good entries and even a few conversations to help narrow down the masturbation ones. However, Auberoun. Not only does he not intend to stalk the HoP staff less, but he's so good at it that we didn't even know he was doing it!

Congrats, my man! Hit us up with a contest of your own if you feel like it. I might even be able to get Brent to send you some toenail clippings for the doll I can only assume you're making. Also, let us know if you have a blog and we can get some light pimping in as well.

For this week, the HoP needs MORE taglines. Twenty eight is a good start, but I think we can get more.

Dethtron has suggested this: "Exclamation point!!!!"

And I feel like: "Taste the fame." has potential.

Where in the World is Lantz?- Lantz Party USA

I guess it's still non-denominational holiday season or something, because Lauby is busy with family stuff, meaning you guys are stuck with me, dethtron, for another Thursday post. I promise not to put up any more ~~disturbing~~ highly eroticized pictures of myself up this week, though, since we've gotten a new Lantz pic in on top of the glut that he sent in last week in order to prevent me from ever being allowed to show my face on this site again.

Hey, let's see what Lantz is up to this week.

Lantz Sez: "What Santa Lantz was doing instead of delivering your gifts."

Oh Santa Lantz, your foul habit makes me long for the days when I allowed myself to indulge in such foul habits. This was back in the 60s when I was writing copy for Don Draper- well, that's how I remember it at least... perpetually smashed on Manhattan's and knee deep in a sea of conical bra wearing floozies.

Not at all Shameful Grab for Filler Content Contest

Last week's contest of coming up with a tag line for the House of Paincakes was a rousing success. So successful, in fact, that I haven't been allowed to discuss the results or choose a winner yet, under threat of death. I understand that there is a top secret project underway right now that I could tell you about, but I'd have to kill you. I don't think that's what any of us want, so we'll just leave it up in the air for now. It goes without saying, though, that every entry, with the notable exception of my own, was clever and a winner in it's own right.

For this week's contest, we've got a set of rules chosen by none other than Captain Kellen. For the record, I rate these rules an RC Cola on the Coke-Pepsi scale.

Now the contest, in the spirit of the season- What is your self-indulgent New Years Resolution that you have no intention of keeping?

Where in the World is Lantz? - Parachute PLantz

Last week there were no Lantz pictures. It might have had a lot to do with how Lantz and I may or may not be the same person. Either way, illness was involved. Don't worry though, the crushing guilt he felt after ~~a bearded crazy man who was 'sensuously' licking his lips~~ Dethtron filled in for him was enough to send him into a Robert Mapplethorpe frenzy picture taking. We got a whole month's worth this time around.

Here's one of them now:

Conveniently, this also doubles as his entry for last weeks not at all shameful grab for filler content contest. Which he did not win.

Props for the presentation, but hipsters are lame (fixed gear bikes and all) and thinly veiled game mechanic metaphors for necrophilia are... something else. Not that I don't think necrophilia isn't a fertile ground for humor - I just think the verb 'porking' could have been worked in. Though that face is credit card commercial priceless.

The other guy who made a mock up was our one man Nielson Ratings indicator: Captain Kellen. Who wins the big prize due to being the first to make a mock-up and actually using the current backgrounds and rarity indicators. Technically correct he is - the best kind of correct. Here's his entry:

Congrats, Captain! We rated this card a "guffaw" on a scale of keekle to gut buster. Also, you get to make up next week's contest.

For this week, we want you to come up with the best possible tagline for the House of Paincakes. And as an added 'WTF' this may actually have ramifications beyond one of you having to do some busy work for us.

Here's my entry:
The House of Paincakes: You can say 'fuck' on the internet again.

Where in the World Is Lantz- Seriously?

This week's Lantz related post will be decidedly Lantzless, as we didn't hear from him this week :( Lantz, I hope you're ok and not suffering a slow Tuberculosis related death like Lauby is right now. So, like over the weekend with the Weekly Whimsy, you're stuck with me, Dethtron. Ever wonder what I really look like? I slip photos of myself in all secret like every once and a while, but this will be about the most blatantly full on pic of me ever published here at the HoP....

.....and I'd like to preface this by saying that I'd seen neither this video nor this one prior to quitting shaving in November and getting new glasses.......


Dethtron says: Keep me away from your daughter... and also how creepy is my pink bathroom...really?

Now, as far as last week's "not at all shameful grab for filler content" contest is concerned, there is no winner, as nobody decided to follow the rules :( The idea was to post a LIST built on the shakiest premise possible. That could have been anything with more than one Chaos god in it, something built around a combo that would be destined to never work or whatever. Unfortunately, nobody submitted a list- and that makes me a sad panda.

Now for this week's contest, we'll dumb it down a little bit. If you got your very own Magic: the Gathering card what would it be? Design yourself in the context of MtG. Feel free to link to a picture if you feel it's necessary. Use standard text notations for your card and be sure to include a casting cost, power/toughness (if you're a creature), special rules you may have, and a quote for the text box on your card. Here's my example, including one of the infinite number of pictures of me playing drums in which I have no face:

Bizzarro Hoagy, aka Flexo, does something while I hide

Dethtron 2BU

Creature 3/1

2: Dethtron gains landwalk ability of owner's choice.

"ah drums, nature's earliest form of camouflage"

And as a special super secret bonus surprise for people who made it this far, here is a pic from nearly ten years ago. Let's see if Lo can guess where this one was taken....

R.I.P. party pants

Where in the World is Lantz? - a gLantzing Blow

We've still got plenty of Lantz puns, friends. Plenty.

Lantz still has plenty of pictures too, as it turns out. Here's one of them now:


Lantz sez: "Next in line for the Crimson Fists' special characters. Joke not appropriate for those under the age of 13."

Lantz, you irreverent rascal! Is there no line you wont cross?

Last week in our weekly not at all shameful grab for filler content contest, we asked you to describe your faction in 10 words or less to a noob. We got a solid number of entries (we can always tell when we've got a good challange on our hands) and, dare I say, lots of lulz. In a shocking turn of events, Dethtron won the contest on his own blog with his description:

Orks: Orks Orks Orks Orks Orks Orks Orks Orks Orks Orks

This is where it gets convoluted though - Dethtron is quoting the original Dawn of War, made by Relic Entertainment and published by THQ (who also owns Relic). So to get techincal THQ wins. However, Dethtron will be accepting the award on their behalf and, as I'm assured, do his duty to make sure he notifies them.

For this week's contest, Dethton came up with a doosey of a not at all shameful grab for filler content contest:

Come up with the shakiest premise for an army list you can think of. 1,750 points for 40k or 2,500 points for WFB.

I think this is one of the best ideas we've had for this series yet, so I'm super excited about what you guys will come up with. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME!

Where in the World is Lantz? - Strangers From Foreign Lantz

So, it turns out that creating a Lantz post is extremely hard after we missed last week and after my own six-day internet drought.

I think I've managed to piece things together.

First up - Lantz:

Lantz sez: "This is what happens when I lose a game. Every. Time. I don't have a lot of friends..."

Second - Lauby (since there seems to be some confusion):

Please note that I am a completely separate person.

Hmmm, going over the last post, it looks like we had a contest. The good news is that everyone who entered, won. The bad news is that only two people entered. Please join me in congratulating Dave_G and Counterfett on their sheer determination to participate. So, either one of you should create your own easy to implement verbal green-stuff contest for next week's not at all shameful grab for filler content contest.

But wait! There's more. Von came through for us with this week's new not at all shameful grab for filler content contest. Take it away, Von.

Describe your army/faction/crew/team/gang of choice in ten or fewer words. Assume the reader is a complete newbie to the world of wargaming, but is quite switched on as far as references go. For instance:

Trollbloods: half Native American, half pissed-up Scottish football hooligan.

Soooo.... go do that. Have a happy Thursday!

Where in the World is Lantz - Lantzcaping

Lantz is not the zany funster we all thought he was. Not by a long shot. He has just a bit more Professor Moriarty in him than our rigorous and exhaustive background checks were able to uncover.

It turns out that all his showboating, self portraits and wacky antics had a purpose. His mad plan was to infiltrate our blog network and then sneak in a plug about one of his own projects.

Lantz, you are one insidious beast. Why you felt the need to lay two-months of groundwork to sneak your plug onto a blog devoted to plugging its members is beyond me.

Fortunately, that's the kind of thing we like around here. That and scatological humor. Poop fart shit. Hehe.

Lantz sez: A Shameless Self-Plug. And My Nose.

The long and the short of it is that Lantz is the mastermind behind an Adeptus Mechanicus fandex and needs people to help out. He needs playtesters for an open beta and artists of all stripes. The only requirements he has are that you love gross cyborgs and can read/write at a 6th grade level.

More information can be found at his blog.

Seriously, go check it out. How could you say no to a schnoz like that?

But lets be even less serious here for a second.

We had another not at all shameful grab for filler content contest! Last week we asked you to tell us all about your dream guest author. We had a good number of entries and while nothing made me laugh as much as casting Glen Danzig as Dethtron, we still had a solid winner: Von.

I would have H. P. Lovecraft write about the importance and development of proper vocabulary in rules sets. Dude could bitch out the writing styles of others like nothing else alive when the fancy took him. He loved long words, thought he was better than almost everyone, fanboyed everyone he didn't think he was better than, had a large circle of correspondents and thought staying in touch with them was more important than his job, lived on beans and sweeties and lived in his aunts' basement for most of his life. Born before his time, really: he'd have fit right in with nerd bloggers.

Congrats, Von. You win free publicity and the honor of creating next week's not at all shameful grab for filler content contest at the last minute.

In the meantime, this weeks contest is to go download Lantz's AdMech fandex and make up the best name possible for your own Tech-priest.

GOGOGO!

Where in the World is Lantz?- Lantz End Outlet

It looks like Lantz is feeling better after last week's mystery illness that we're reasonably sure had nothing to do with syphilis. It also looks like he's been fitted for a brand new suit of power armor as you can clearly see in the picture below. Reliable sources have informed me that this photo has not been altered in any way.

Lantz says: I'm hoping this will be a typical Tuesday evening for me come 2017

Alright Lantz, that's some good work clearing out those vile greenskins. Just make sure you burn the bodies so the spores can't propagate. Tune in next week to see what kinds of hijinks Lantz has up his sleeve.

Moving on to the not at all shameless grab for filler content contest, last week we asked you to act as casting director for House of Paincakes: The Movie and even offered up bonus points for coming up with a plot. There were some great suggestions all around, but one of you just blew us away, coming up with a stellar casting selection and a "fantastic" story line.

Congrats to Grumhelden from Lines on Maps for coming up with this:

Lauby...Matt Damon from Bourne

Brent...Not Brent, but with a goatee

Dethron...Glen Danzig, whilst still a misfit

Loquacious...Claudia Black from Farscape

The plot: Lauby and Dethron are former enemies and blow up LA whilst trying to find a Nuke that Brent And Loq have stolen. Lauby and Deth eventually work out their differences using Apache Gunships and yet more explosions, before teaming up against the common threat of Brent and Loq. It turns out Loq used to be with Deth, but Lauby had a major thing for her, and it ruined the friendship between the three, poor Brent is just a puppet in it all. There is the inevitable last minute redemption as all four characters agree to detonate the bomb in the desert, so that the lessons are learned with minimal loss of life. Something contrived and stupid happens that means someone has to stay with the bomb,pointlessly sacrificing themselves to add a measure of pathos to an otherwise nonsensical film. It still makes more sense than the Horus Heresy series. :(

Now I have to point out that I'm easily 10 feet taller than Danzig, but otherwise I think all of the selections are spot on. I even love the plot, though we all know that Brent will be the one who stays with the bomb - unless there is some kind of crappy twist. Is it too soon to whisper Oscar?

Regardless, I'd like to thank everybody who participated for not only coming up with some hilarious ideas, but also for not resorting to film school 101 vocabulary like mise en scene to describe things... although Grumhelden's use of the word pathos comes pretty close.

Now it's time for this week's not at all shameful grab for filler content contest with rules decided by me, since we forgot to get in touch with counterfett for winning last week :(

The contest: If you could have any author (living or dead) write a guest article on your blog about wargamming, who would it be and what would you have them write about?

Where in the World is Lantz? - Free Lantz Journalism

The good news: Lantz was never apprehended by the authorities after last week's brutal assault on good taste. Not even Interpol's special fashion police squad and the weight of the might Focus on the Family could bring him to justice.

The bad news: In all the excitement, he caught ~~Super AIDS~~ ~~SARS~~ ~~bird~~ flu. Or something. Shit, I dunno.

The silver lining: We still got a Lantz picture! 5 (or is it 6?) in a row, baby!

The harsh reality: We got THIS Lantz picture:

Lantz sez: I've been quite sick the last few days, so I sent an Assault Marine Sergeant in to take care of the problem.

Man, that is a way closer look at the man's biscuspids and philtrum than I would have chosen to see. But I can put some positive spin on this - its a perfect picture to lead into the results for last week's not at all shameful grab for filler content contest! Which Lantz almost won.

We asked you to find the creepiest (painted - but we really don't care) miniature you could find on the web. Here are the entries:

Skirmisher Publishing's Decapussywhipper - submitted by Dave Howitzer

Chaosgerbil's Predator - submiteed by Dave_G


The Easter Necron (from CMON) - submitted by Zheilt


Alex's Halloween Entry thing - submitted by Dethtron

Now, all of these are good and fit the contest perfectly, but they just don't hold a candle to this:

The horror... the horror

It's like its staring directly into my soul [shudder]... Congrats, CounterFett. You win! So hit us up with your suggestion for next week's not at all shameful grab for filler content contest.

Until then, this week's contest is to pretend that you're the casting director for House of Paincakes: The Motion Picture and decide who would play the parts of the HoP staff (myself, Dethtron, Brent and Loquacious) with almost no knowledge of us personally. For Bonus points, you can also suggest a director and a tag line.

Where in the World is Lantz? - Lantz In The Pantz

Dateline: House of Paincakes, the Internet - October 28th, 2010

Local residenst mourned the loss of good taste today as Lantz McDonald brutalized everyone's sense of decency in a calculated act of wanton depravity:

You may want to ask your children to leave the room.

Eye Witness accounts universally agree that Mr. McDonald posed 'sexily' for two or three hours and claimed that [He would] "be on the cover of Sports Illustrated for the next swimsuit edition". Those wounded in the blast were taken to the hospital and are expected to make a full recovery

Fire Department and Police authorities were unable to apprehend the suspect and advise everyone to lock there doors until this crisis is over. Health officials recommend that in the event of accidental contact with Lantz, victims flush there eyes with cool water and then immediately contact a poison control center.

---------------

Moving right along, we have the winner of last week's contest. We asked you to tell us how and why you started blogging. You were also asked to do a bunch of math, but math is for steers and... uh.. syphilitics. And people named Dave. who are sexually clean and not in any way cow-like.

Ideally, we'd like to say you all won. But this isn't kindergarten and we don't grade on a curve.

There were a lot of good entries, but Dave Howitzer of Crew Shaken, Not Stirred wins the whole shebang with a story that eerily echos the founding of the House of Paincakes. Though we would need to add something about 'being subjected to the idiotic opinions of some vacuous shitpile that knew someone we were hanging out with". Mostly, though, it made us laugh and think about delicious cask beer. I think Dethtron even LOLed a little bit. Though he would never admit it to using netspeak. Dave from N++ gets an honorable mention for taking the time to do the math and bravely admitting to having a Deviant Art account.

Here is Dave's (Howitzer) entry:

Ahh the story of the birth of CSNS, let me recite the epic yarn for thee my humble friends. Twas four score and...well....two months ago and in all honest...I was wasted. Like really wasted. Too many Mojitos and I was game for anything. So me and some of the boys came back to mine to crash out after an excelent evening and I read through some of the bigger blogs and discovered something! Seriousness about a game you love could be combined with humour to make something worth reading!

"Jings," I thought to myself, "I should give this a bash." So an hour on the graphics tablet and a Cornoa later CSNS was born, an avenue to let out my gamer-rage on the interwebs and to try to get some cocktails down your faces.

And I've loved every second of it =]

Congrats, Dave! You win the right to create next week's not at all shameful grab for filler content contest! HOORAY!!!

In the meantime, for this week's contest and in honor of Halloween, we challenge you to find a picture of the creepiest, painted miniature you can find. Keep in mind that 'creepy' is a wide open descriptor. It could be something that grosses you out or something that makes you question the creator's worth as a human being. Submit a link to your entry in the comments field.

Where in the World is Lantz?- Lantz off Dance off

Not only is Thursday dedicated to the god of Thunder, the new beginning of the weekend, and the day that Always Sunny in Philadelphia airs, but it's also the day on which we here at the HoP put down our whiskeys and tip our hats to Lantz. This week we've got a nice shot of the man himself sporting a transformer ski cap and driving. Wait, Lantz did you seriously take a picture while driving? If you really want to be a party to vehicular manslaughter next time you should try simultaneously updating your facebook status to something like 'just blew by a cop going 90,' tweeting about your love of knitted haberdashery, texting about how you've got a photo project due this Thursday for some assholes that run a blog, and programming the location of every nearby gentleman's club into your GPS. Now that would be a way to go out in a blaze of glory. Digging the hat though.

Lantz says: "Why yes, yes that is the greatest hat in the world. Be jealous"

......and now for the results of the "Not at all shameless grab for filler content contest- what's your most embarrassing gaming story?" This week we're choosing two entries as winners.

First up is #2501 from Musings of a Metal Mind and creator of the Tyracrons, as seen at Forgeworld, whose ribald tale of being permanently ejected from a gaming group nearly brought tears to my eyes. It brought back fond memories of Lauby and I completely derailing some super hero RPG that neither of us were particularly interested in playing...or any time somebody thinks it's a good idea to not make me a GM....

I sat in on a session of Hackmaster that my friend was GM'ing, while they were playing the module "Against the Slave Lords." I decided my character's morals matched those of Bender (from Futurama) and, at a crucial moment, sold the entire party of 8 people down the river for 5,000 gold pieces, resulting in them getting captured, and my taking my pick of their stuff before the slavers got there. The slavers saluted my villainy by launching the party Cavalier's horse off a slave ship with a catapult.

The GM could not stop laughing.

I was not allowed in that campaign again.

Last, but must assuredly not least, we have the one and only Loquacious of World of Wonder bringing us a tale that nearly almost managed to be close to being somewhat slightly on topic, with her recounting of getting so into a game of Operation: Wolf at an arcade that her date bailed on her. Being a huge fan of Operation: Wolf myself, I couldn't resist picking this as a winner, plus I know from first hand experience that Lauby (It's totally true. I've got... problems) is a proponent of shouting at his video games.

Mine is not specifically gaming related, but is so entrenched in our local group's lore that it doesn't really matter. It goes wherever I go, and I cannot escape it.

I'm not a very coordinated person- right up front. I have even worse hand-eye coordination when it comes to video games. Somehow, I can't make that aspect of my brain work.

I was out with the guy I dated previous to dating (and eventually marrying) The Dude. We were at a video arcade and the guy gave me a handful of quarters. Off I went to find the simplest, least obnoxious game to play.

I found Operation: Wolf (AKA "Uzi on a stick"). The cabinet was built for someone about 6-8 inches taller than me (I. AM. SHORT!), so I had a hard time seeing the screen. I'm firing away, but I can't hit anything.

I get really frustrated. I start yelling at the game. LOUDLY. As in:

"Get in my way! How can I shoot you if you don't get in my way! No- DIE! GET IN MY WAY!"

The guy was so embarrassed he snuck out of the arcade, and then decided to enact revenge on me by telling EVERYONE in our gaming group.

To this day (well over 20 years later) many times, I hear "get in my way" as I'm about to roll to hit.

Sigh.

But wait I'm going to throw a wrench in the system. This week's super secret grand prize winner didn't even participate in the contest at all and didn't abide by any of the rules- what a twist! One of today's applicants to the network submitted an amazing, rambling e-mail with more F-bombs than a Tarantino flick. Grumhelden of Lines on Maps has stolen the prize for this week. He has clearly defeated everyone in the universe in spite of being completely unaware that there was a fake contest that he wasn't entering. Congrats Grumhelden.

This is what he submitted for his entrance essay:

Srsly? In this day of twitter, dropped vowels and netlists , we are to submit an essay, I think sir, that this is a litmus test! This is my submission.

Now since we neglected to pick somebody to come up with the "Not at all shameful grab for filler content contest" rules for next week and because I'm kind of a big deal, I'm going to call the shots this week.

Contest

Please answer the following question:

You are stuck on a desert island without power, but with an endless supply of food and fresh water. Before your ship wrecked you had time to save one book and a board game of your choice from drowning. Sadly, you couldn't be bothered to save any of the ship's crew or your friends and family. You are also thinking about your future and want to start saving for your retirement 30 years from today. To live comfortably you figure that you will need the equivalent purchasing power of $100,000 today. The rate of inflation will hold steady at 3%. You are planning on buying a number of 30 year $1,000 par value bonds with a 10% coupon (paid semi-annually) at a 9% required rate of return. These bonds will be cashed out at maturity and placed into a retirement account paying 8% interest as an annuity due. You reckon that the retirement account will need to last 20 years. In addition to money from the bonds, you will be selling your current home the day you retire which is currently valued at $150,000 and expected to increase in value by 5% each year to downgrade to a condo which is currently valued at $75,000 and is expected to increase in value by 4% every year. Any remaining funds will be deposited into your retirement account. The water processing plant on your island will be powered by a fan (fueled by seawater). The fan is started from rest and after 5.0s has reached its maximum rotational velocity of 60 radians per second. While in exile, you also wish to plan your last meal on earth, assuming that you will be rescued at some point before death and will not have to worry about availability of your desired comestibles. What inspired you to start blogging?

Where in the World is Lantz: Driving The Ambulantz

Hey, look at that ludicrous thing Lantz is doing. Doesn't that just beat all? ...can you tell I'm writing this without having seen this week's Lantz picture?

Yes, but you're pretty spot on. What Lantz is doing IS ludicrous. Here's the picture to round out our Thursday tom-foolery - Lauby

Lantz sez: [it was] A busy week involving drinking, sex, shenanigans,

more sex and some 3D glasses.

Speaking of embarassing, it's time for this week's not at all shameless grab for filler content contest and we're playing by Dave of N++'s rules.

This week Dave wants us all to stare into ~~the abyss~~ our souls and come up with our most embarrassing moments in gaming- you know, that critical dice roll you failed that still haunts you, that time you managed to knock over your entire army like a bunch of dominoes, or when you went all aggro on somebody and burned down your FLGS. Ok, maybe you shouldn't share something like that last one, but you get the idea.

To get the ball rolling, Dave is going to let it all hang out and share his own personal moment of utter fail:

When I was younger, in one particularly brutal team session, I was alpha striked by two Imperials down to just a Farseer. (My ally was Nids and we were playing on a 3’ x 8’ table – the long way; back then we gamed however we could. They didn’t need to worry about the nids for a few turns)

Still wanting to be able to help lead to the 5 words that would come back to haunt me – “Want me to guide anything?” This is still referenced during any spectacularly fail moment that occurs in our games.

Now we don't want to leave Dave hanging out alone, naked, and in the cold with his embarrassing story. Let it rip, share your most epic fails in the comments sections. Who knows, you may be the next person to abritrarily win a shakily designed contest that you weren't even aware you had entered. Shit, maybe there's even prize support- is it too soon to whisper free iPad*.

===========[foot notes]==============================
*For your generous donation of $599.99 to help support the HoP in this pledge drive season, we will automatically throw the contest, if there is one, in your favor and send you an iPad. What's that you say? You could buy an iPad for that money; the entire donation would be blown in one swoop. Well that's your problem buddy.

Where in the World is Lantz - Lantzing, Michigan

The Magnet Pro is back! Once again, we have Lantz in all his splendor:

Lantz ses: Her name is Marianna, and we're very happy together

I don't know about you guys, but I am still stoked about people we've never met allowing us to post pictures of themselves. ~I'm totally stoked about this series too for some reason, but we need to be careful; man-lamp love is illegal in most countries.

With that out of the way, its time for the results of the House of Paincakes Super Bad-ass Haiku Contest and Not-at-all Shameful Grab for Filler Content.

We got a ton of entries into this thing, lots of self promotion and even a full blown poetry fight! Crazy as it sounds, some of you people used poetry for evil. I'd try and shame you all if I could stop bursting into laughter whenever I look at the entries to get your names!

According to the contest rules, the HoP admins are allowed to designate another agent to be the judge. So, without notifying him beforehand, Captain Kellen became an agent of HoP due to his constant thread stalking and his staunch refusal to stray from haiku. ~i.e. we volunteered him for the position.

Before I get to the winner, I would like to give special mention to Zheilt for writing a limerick and then apologizing in haiku format. Additional mention goes to Chaos Gerbil for his prolificity and to Loquacious for nailing the spirit of haiku the best.

In the spirit, as it were, of things I wrote a haiku about all the haikus that we got.

so many haikus

melted my brain with poems

third line is profound

But the winner, as picked by Captain Kellen is:

Dave from N++!

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Congrats, Dave! Until the next poetry contest and your inevitable defeat, you are the official Poet Laureate of the House of Paincakes. WOOOOOOOO.

~and that concludes another issue of 'Where in the World is Lantz.' Special thanks to everyone who contributed poetry and congrats to Dave, the Maya Angelou of paincake haikus. As a special bonus prize (in case internet fame were not prize enough), we're going to let Dave make up a contest for next week's Lantz related insanity. Until then...
~~~Dethtron

HoP test bed

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