The Weekly Top X - Not Brent's Not X

Not Brent: So, I have to write an opening? 


 ...


 Not Brent: Anyone else really, really attracted to Lindsey Lohan lately?

Lauby:  Uuughgh.  I knew this was gonna be a mistake...

1) AJ's Gaming World - Hydra Gun shield Templates and tutorial part 1
 Lauby: Hey man, Flames of War is a 15mm game!  Wait, those are for 40k?  Fuckin' A.
 Not Brent: What’s that you’re drinking?

2) Rant in E Minor - Throne In E minor Report & Review
Not Brent: Ha! I loved this one!
Lauby: I think the most interesting thing about this whole Throne of Skulls bid'ness is that for all the complaining the 'super competative' crowd has done about the event, everyone who's gone has seemed to have an absolute bucket of fun.  From this report, you can really get the sense that Sorrowshard had a good as hell time.
Not Brent:  You’re missing the point - are you drunk on Bartles and James again? What have I told you about that? It’s just not cool... and you have to be cool and stay cool to play Robin to my Batman.
Lauby:  It's not B&J, it's sweet, delicious rum... and it's not 'again', it's "still'.  And why am I the sidekick and how the hell are you the goddamn Batman?  I always thought you were more on the supply side of blog crime.
Not Brent: Well, the Joker’s sidekick is a phone. No, man! Did you scope the last picture? There’s a dude who will help with my ultimate goal of Digital Domination!


3) 3++ is the New Black - Comparison: Games Workshop & Privateer Press 
Lauby: Like Dethtron and I have been saying for years, there's just not as much of a difference between the two big boys as people might like to believe.  Aside from a discussion on aesthetic qualities, this is pretty much the bulk of what's really going on.
Not Brent: You know, Robin, some deep part of me loves this little pink dude with his little black hat and his super-successful blog... 
Lauby: Well... that's worrisome.  Kirby - hide yourself.
Not Brent: ...but mostly I just want to test the aerodynamic qualities of his teardrop-shaped ass and kick his Aussie butt for a fieldgoal. Is that so wrong?


4) The Marienburg Gazette - Mantic Undead Army - Out of the Box
Not Brent: Kind of young, isn’t he?
Lauby: Holy crap, dude - that's one f his freakin' kids. What are YOU drinking?
Not Brent: What, I’m supposed to read now?
Lauby:  Holy crap #2 - that's a shit load of models for not a lot of money.

5) The Painting Frog - Infinity – English version
Not Brent: The painting frog? Hey, Lauby! Kiss me and I’ll tell you! 
Lauby: I would rather skull-fuck myself. Or be a test dummy for electric chairs.
Not Brent: Spoilsport.  
Lauby:  No no, I'm not done.  I'd rather scour off both of my nipples with steel wool. Or put my dick in a jar of bees.  Or drink my own waste during a bout with Typhoid.
Not Brent: It was a great little article. I’m curious to see where it goes, ‘cause Infinity is a game I want to like... but the reaction system can be overbalanced without proper terrain. As in, scale terrain!


6) Dick Move - Mine’s Bigger than Brent’s
Lauby: Hmmm...  Having played numerous games in Dethtron's lair, I can safely say that the bar has been raised on Brent.
Not Brent: No it’s not. Who said that? Where’s my mirror?! 
Lauby: Ooops, I think your real Brent is poking out.
Not Brent: Who’s Brent? This is some bullshit mind games, I can tell you that.

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The Weekly Top X - M. Night Shyamalan's "Brent"

Pssst! Pssst - hey, you.

Yea, you.

Yes, you! Right there! You! You’re you and I see you, you, YOU, YOU!

…

Can we get past this please? I’m on this side of the screen and you’re on the other. I really need some help... and I don’t think I have much more time.

Allow me to explain it. You see, I think I’m being erased from the House of Paincakes history. Being scrubbed right off the digital timeline.

I noticed Dethtron posted this the other day...

Wow. Powerful stuff. DT is giving Loquacious credit for being the first author outside of him and Lauby, and while I don’t want to take anything away from Lady Loq...

...me and Lauby were around writing the Top X from the beginning! Yes, this very weekly column you now beyond with your eyes, red with tears and wide with shock though they may be now!

Being the sensible Empty Digital Headache, I assumed at first it was a simple mistake, but neither Dethtron himself nor my erstwhile partner Lauby-sheimer responded to my (desperate) email for clarification. There’s only one explanation.

They’re out to get me. They don’t just want to kill me - they want to erase me from history itself!

It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

1) Incarias Speaks - General Ramblings: In Defense of non-compettitve play 
Brent: Incarias writes the word-perfect retort to GMort and Sandwyrm’s articles on competitive play... and in a way, against the arguments of others from years and years ago. You see, this whole Hobby Vs Competitive scene is ages old, having been fought on forums and blogs for years. I got to be honest though, what we haven’t seen is a sharp critique like this one! What do you think, Lauby?
Lauby: Ahhhh... that's good coffee.  Holy hell do I love my Keurig - its like being a yuppie without having to get the volvo. No what I mean, Brent?  Brent?

...

Well, crap.  he's late.  AGAIN!
Brent: Hey man, look at me. I’m here.
Lauby: Welp, nothing for it but to enjoy this delicious Vanilla Biscotti Coffee while I wait. According to Folgers, "The world’s richest beans are kissed with a smooth vanilla flavor for an elegant finish."  Huh, the Incarias post has a lot in common with that.
Brent: Jesus man, it’s me, your Top X partner! Say something!

2) The Man Cave - Man Cave 7s Pitch
Lauby: Hmm... Brent's still not here. I guess I'll make some notes on our selections from the week.  Ooooh... it says here that Paul paints blood patches on spaces where his players die.  Nice touch!  I'm sure Brent will have something weird to say about some unrelated topic so I better be sure to mention this.
Brent: Okay, we’re moving on I guess. I couldn’t love this picture more! That some dedicated gamer took the time to create such a beautiful Blood Bowl board is a testament to the hobby. What do you think?
Lauby:  Blech... coffee breath.  Only one thing for it - more coffee.
Brent: ...I think I’m in trouble.

3) Galaxy in Flames - Healthy Gamer Challenge
Lauby:  Looks like this guy may have to change his name to "Regular Jim" before long.  Hiyooo!
Brent: Big Jim is losing weight in a healthy weight...
Lauby:  Shit, I wasted that one. Forgot Brent wasn't here to play off of it.
Brent: ...while I’m losing it in a dangerous way. My legs are gone. Erased. God help me!

4) The LeadHead - Mystery Project
Lauby:  Speaking of Mysteries... why is Brent still not here?
Brent: *sigh* Now everything below my manly Man-Nips is gone. There’s no blood, no stumps. Just a razor straight line right above my guts. I’m feeling around with my hands, but there’s nothing there. I’m feeling lightheaded.
Lauby: You know if this keeps up with Brent, I may have to get LeadHead to build an automated top x robot replacement for a certain Texan.
Brent: I’m ahead. I mean, I am a head. I’m typing this with tongue. I’m scared... but I can’t help but wonder who is going to fill the void left behind? What’s the opposite of Brent?

  
5) Samson Minis - Morphus, Chaos Warlord Complete
Lauby:  Well, Still No Brent.  But at least I got this bad-ass mini to end on.  It's like electric dynamite!  I'm just going to go ahead and allow myself to be jealous for 5 minutes. 

Not Brent: Yea, Lauby, quit drooling - you’re embarrassing me. Samson is a mad-talented man, that’s for sure. What I love is his almost throwback style, like he’s perfected the look of the late 90’s. His colors are wicked.

Lauby:  By the bells of Orms-by-gore, Brent!  Good man, I take back all the stuff about a robot replacement.  Tell me I'm wrong - this is the exact kind of thing I'd like to get a hold of just to see what his brush strokes look like in person.
Not Brent: You kissing his ass or what? If I didn’t have some slight nostalgia for you, seeing as how we go back to Week One - when I was still spitting in all the main courses you guys turned out to hungry kids at the HoP - I’d probably kick you square in your tiny nuts. Doesn’t matter, though, Samson isn’t giving up his model to you. He might give it up for me though.
Lauby:  Brent, you're really weird and angry right now.  Kinda not fun to be around you.  And whats up with your left eye? 
Not Brent: Did you get it, Lauby? I said, “give it up for me..!” Say you got it! Hugs and gropings for everyone!

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A Not Brent Piggyback Commentary

Not Brent here, kicking out my first article for the House of Pain.  I think I'll call this series 'I Drink Your Milkshake' - and if the lawsuits roll in, I'll roll over and blame what's-his-face.  He's got to be good for something besides bad hair and whining.

I'll get right to the point - something else what's-his-face can't be bothered to do.  The House of Pain is for the cool kids, so I'll keep my straw dipped here, nice and deep.  I'm gonna find something worth repeating and kibitz the shit out of it.

Turns out Rhellion isn't dead after all, but rather changed the name of his hobby blog to Rhellion's Tabletop.  That's nice and vague, meaning he can post about whatever he wants, right?  Take notes, you: that means don't call your blog Only Necrons; that's a short slide to sucks.  Let's get started.

Original Post

3 days and 650 miles later, Ard Boyz 2010 is over. (Note the investment of time and money; that's important later.)  To say that the tournament went off without a hitch would be a lie, so I will get into that later, but first the results. (That was foreshadowing and the start of a shit sandwich, as in nice, nice, shit, shit, nice, nice... love that stuff.)  I got third place overall, and the placings for the tournament were 1st (tie) Skaven and Dark Elves, 2nd Dark Elves, and 3rd Skaven (me).  (That's a result to be proud of.  I'm sure it was a well-fought, well-run event...)  I got a nifty dagger trophy, zero prize support (for anyone at the tournament), and I guess a ticket/invitation to the Las Vegas GT in 2011.

To start, let me explain the battle points. The TO stated he hadn't gotten the rules pack for 'Ard Boyz until the morning of, and he had already printed out all the scoring sheets, so we were going to be using his scoring for the 'Ard Boyz Finals. 5 points for a Massacre, 4 points for a Major, 3 points for a Minor, and 2 for a Draw or something similar. There were the normal 4 points bonus per scenario. There were also no Victory Points scored, so there was no tie breaker.

Anyone else see where this is going?

Bottom line, after describing game 1 and 2, Rhellion is playing on top table in Game 3.  Now get ready for some bullshit.

This game was marred for me because of a few things. (That was diplomatic.)  My opponent and I had an argument for about 30 minutes when he cast Dwellers Below. (What?)  PAGE 10 of the rulebook states: where a model has more than one value for the same characteristic, a characteristic test is always taken at the highest value.  (Why didn't you get a judge?)  He cast Dwellers on my Bell unit. I lost 20 of 40 Clan Rats, but when I rolled a 5 for the Bell (the Strength of the Rat Ogres), he claimed the Grey Seer should be killed because he is only Strength three (which is incorrect).  (Yup.)  The judge would not rule in either players favor because he didn't want to effect the outcome of the tournament (WHAT?!), and after arguing for over 25 minutes, we diced off for it and I won.

Let me echo that.  WHAT?!  It doesn't matter that Rhellion won the roll-off, the TO should have made a considered judgment.  Right or wrong, the ruling on the field stands, so the judge should have judged.  Period.  There is no good reason not to.  This was half an hour wasted.  Hopefully there was still plenty of time to play the game.

In addition to this the rounds were cut short to 2 hours and 30 minutes, because the TO wanted to leave early. Combined with the argument, we only played THREE TURNS on table one of the 'Ard Boyz finals final game.

Man, I should have seen that coming.  Rhellion describes the game, then says:

At the end of the game, my opponent had 6 knights on the board, 2 cannons, his popemobile, and the unit in the tower. I had lost a unit of Gutter Runners and 2 Cannons, no other full units lost.

Remember, this is the game where control of the tower is all-important.

Where I lost the game was the first turn magic phase. I cast the 13th Spell on the tower, killed all 10 flagellants, and placed my own Clan Rats in the tower. I should have set up to cast Crack's Call and just destroy the building from the get go like I had designed my list around!!! After that, I was unable to ring the bell or cast Crack's call in the rest of the limited game. A giant unit of swordsmen overtook the Clan Rats in the tower, and won the game as the rest of the Empire army was massacred around them.

Let's make sure to examine this.  Basically, Rhellion acknowledges a mistake - that happens.  His opponent keeps the objective in mind and jumps all over it.  Winning the game while losing your army is awesome stuff... but that's not really what happened, is it?  

They played 3 turns.  The judge wanted to go home early.  They played 3 turns.  A half hour of the game was wasted.  They played 3 turns.  That's some bullshit for Top Table at Hard Boyz.

I still scored all 4 bonus points for the final scenario. After the results were tabulated, there was a THREE WAY TIE FOR FIRST. The judge then went back after the tournament was over, and we had been playing one way all day, and redid the battle points according to the original rules.

After the judge re-scored the event, Rhellion gets 3rd place.  That's a more than respectable result... but let's face it, he went from first to third.  The TO should have stuck with the packet, but if he wasn't going to do that he should have stuck with the change and worked out a tie breaker based on some other criteria.


Still, I'm reminded of South Park last night - Captain Hindsight, anyone?

On a lighter note, results and the final game aside, I had a great trip and met a lot of great people. I played games with fellow Warhammer nerds from across the country, went drinking with new friends from Minnesota and Louisiana, and got to play at an amazing venue. Next time hopefully they actually run an event as advertised... with correct battle points, tie breakers, correct game time limits, and judges who will actually rule on something to prevent the loss of game turns to a rules disagreement.

See how diplomatic that was?  Good on him.  He acquitted himself well both at the event in writing about it.  He seems like a top-notch dude.


But I'm Not.  I spent 3 whole seconds deciding to rant off where he leaves off: that's the GW Battle Bunker in Chicago.  They owe the people who spent thousands of their hard earned dollars traveling there more than some half-assed nonsense they could have got staying at home.


It's not like GW has done that before... except they have.  Shitty prize support is becoming the trend for the Hard Boyz Finals, both 40K and Warhammer, and this is an actual, honest to God Games Workshop event.


Anyone else smell the bullshit?

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