The Weekly Top X- As the Xenos Turns

Lauby leaves the HOP control room to take care of some personal business... and the cameras

shift to what appears to be a set of a dungeon, almost like a television show....but not quite. 

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Hearing the door to his cell open, the tiny Xeno hung his head. 

They were coming to beat him again, surely.

He had stopped resisting after the first few times...what was the point?  

His hubris had bought him here...his pride...

More than anything else, it was his opinions that led him to this shameful end.

He had entered the battles pure of purpose, his goal a singular point of light he tread steadily towards.

...To stand before the Queen of the Universe, triumphant.

Where did it go wrong?

As the guards drag him from his cell, the little Xeno tries to recall precisely what his mistakes were, exactly where he went awry.

'Logic,' says the Hamster in his head, 'Your arguments lack logic.'

'Why do my opinions require logic,' he answers, 'Isn't it enough to just...feel that way?'

'No, dumbass,' replies the Hamster, 'Other beings will require an explanation. They want to understand why you feel the way you do, so they can refute it.'

'I don't wanna argue, I just wanna say my peace,' cries the Xeno, 'I never intended for any of this to happen!'

'You shoulda oughtta known better, knucklehead,' the Hamster answered smugly, 'Look at where your feelings have bought you....'

At that moment, the guards throw him to the floor, and he finds himself gazing in stupefied wonder...

Surely this could not be?

'Oh, but it is,' whispers the Hamster, 'Yer in big trouble now, buddeh!'

'Well isn't life friggin' ironic,' thinks the Xeno.

There before him is the being he so desired to be near. The reason he began this ill-fated mission.

….The Queen of the Universe.

She is beautiful, she is luminous.

She looks angry.

'Oh, crap,' thinks the Xeno.

He does his best to stand up, his chains rattling loudly as he brushes himself off in an attempt to appear presentable.

He raises his head upon it's stalk, and gazes upon her, as he has wanted to do for so long.

'Yeah, not the circumstances you imagined all those times you were touching yerse-'

'SHUT UP, Hamster! Now is not the time.'

'Wow, she's got some set of-'

'DON'T YOU SAY IT, RODENT! Let me try and wrangle us outta this, before you get us both killed!'

'Fine, whatevs....good luck with that.'

The Xeno opens his bloody communications orifice, and speaks....

'My Queen,' he begins...

He is cut off- Loquacious simply gestures for him to be still. 

Lo': That's right, Xeno scum... I am your Queen. Why are you speaking? I haven't given you permission.... yet. If you please me, I might allow your feeble attempts at communications. But it's very hard.... to please me.

'Well giggity,' said the Hamster in the Xeno's head, 'Maybe this will work out after all.'

'Quiet, Hamster. Don't let her honeyed words distract you, for they hide a poisoned blade. The Queen is renowned for her sensual cruelty. Many have died trying to...satiate her.'

'Hot damn! What a way to go, huh? Let's play along!'

'FOOL! Dead is DEAD....do you wanna be dead?'

'You're asking me this NOW? Do you not see those tremendous-'

'Cthulhu preserve me, you're gonna get me killed....'

'Oh, sure...I see yer tentacles getting all twitchy.'

'…This is gonna hurt, isn't it, Hamster?'

'Yeah. It probably will...'

'...Sigh.'

Lo': Come over here, and read this with me. It amuses me greatly. I do so want to hear your 'opinion' on why you think I find it mirthsome...

1.) The War Room- Bring the Swarm

The Xeno narrowed his multi-lensed visual appendages...surely this was a trick...

'She's trying to seduce me with tales of my compatriots,' he thought.

'You say that like it's a bad thing,' replied the Hamster.

'Be on your guard, I suspect a trap.'

'Oh, I'm on my guard alright....Look! Here's my sword!'

'FOR THE LOVE OF-'

Lo smiles ever so gently at the writhing tentacles and the rattling of the sabers. She pats SinSynn on the Hamster-infested head and shows the extra-terrestrial a photo. She gauges his response as he ogles the form on the screen, and lets out a small, cruel laugh.

Lo': Oh, you like that... yes, I know. Your antics are simply charming, fool. As long as you continue to bring a smile to my face, I won't harm you. It's a little bit like the fights you rigged... if you play right, you get rewarded. If you don't... it's punishment for you...

2.) ADHD Gaming- Necron Test Model 

'You know we're gonna get punished regardless, right, Hamster?'

'Oh, yeah...punish me! Punish me hard! I've been a bad, bad Hamster...'

'PULL YERSELF TOGETHER MAN! Don't you see the danger here?'

'Maybe, maybe not....I'll tell you what I DO see, though...'

'Don't even.'

'I was gonna say Necrons. Sheesh. Always thinking with yer tentacles.'

Lo's smile continues without interruption. She seems genuinely amused at the moment, not even flinching at the writhing mass of tentacles and slime accumulating at her feet. Another picture flashes in front of SinSynn's face and a snicker escapes Lo's mouth as he predictably squirms and 'appreciates' the picture. 

Lo: This one, my little Xeno....pet. Tell me about this one: 

3.) Hogs of War - New WHF Vampire Counts Leaked 

Trying to protect his dangling appendages, and bring his hyperactive secretions under control, the little Xeno focused on the screen before him.

Something was...different.

'What am I seeing here,' he thought, 'Can you help me out, Hamster?'

'That's Eliza Dushku. Now if you'll excuse me, something...came up...that I must, uh...attend to.'

'Not her, you perverted little fuzzball, the other thing.'

'Oh, those are the new vampires for Warhammer Fantasy. They're like, all undead and suck blood and whatnot.'

The Xeno paused and thought about this for a second...

'Do you think she's trying to tell us something?'

'Like what,' answered the Hamster,' That there's gonna be sucking?'

The Xeno facepalmed himself.

Loquacious has paid rapt attention to the Xeno being, studying him. She alternately frowns and smiles as he seems to argue with himself, desperately trying to avoid implicating himself in any wrongdoing or disrespect to the Empire, Universe or the Queen. At times it is almost as if she has an ability to hear his truly alien thoughts. At “the Hamster's” little quip, Lo' frowns furiously. Her pale face starts to mottle and blotch up as her temper rises.

Lo': You little miscreant... your vile, disgraceful thoughts and actions will only cause you pain... the worst KIND of pain. No, I won't inflict PHYSICAL pain upon you... no, that's far too easy. You need to be brought in line... pay heed to the Emperor, cretin!

4.) Titan Tau - Uno de los Nenesone 

The Xeno tried to look away, but the bonds prevented that.

Memories of tabletop wars fought and lost long ago came flooding back upon seeing these images of the enemy.

'The horror...the horror.'

'She's trying to break you,' shouted the Hamster in his head, 'don't give her the satisfaction!'

'A minute ago you were ALL ABOUT giving her the satisfaction, you little jerk!'

The Hamster facepalmed himself.

'Ok, look,' said the Hamster, exasperated, 'I'm starting to think you're right. She's gonna kill us. And while I think that's not a half-bad way to go, I'd rather live to fap another day.'

'Don't you mean fight another day?'

'No. No I don't. I'll leave the fighting to you, Mr. Opinionated.'

'Fine. Whatevs...What do you suggest we do?'

The Hamster thought for a second, his lil' brow all scrunched up with effort....

'I dunno,' he answered finally, 'start begging?'

Lo sees the fear, the desperation, the pure terror on SinSynn's corrupted visage. Her small smile widens and she seems to truly enjoy the pain she's enforcing upon the captured otherworlder. She leans in a little closer, and strokes a tentacle gently, and then grips it with the force of ten Terran men.

Lo': Try again, my succulent one... Your corpse will be ever so delicious for dinner if you don't...

5.) Geek Garage -Port Tavern Ready for Paint 

The Xeno cried out in pain and tried to withdraw his tentacle, but it was already held fast in some strange restraining device, much like the rest of him now was.

The Hamster was racing upon his wheel furiously, trying to spin an idea.

'Oh, this is bad....this is very, very bad,' he squeaked.

'Actually I think it's a nice piece of terrain,' muttered the Xeno.

'Not THAT, you idiot, this situation! She's got us pinned down like a Terran insect in Science Class!'

'Yeah, this part is kinda fun, I gotta tell ya...'

The Hamster sighed deeply, 'And you say I have issues.'

'HEY' yelled the Xenos in reply, 'DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!'

'I won't judge you, ever...IF we can get outta this alive.'

'Hamster?'

'...Yeah?'

'I don't think that's gonna happen, lil' buddy.'

The Hamster paused in thought once more.

'Yer prolly right, pal. Yer prolly right.'

Both the Xeno, and the Hamster that lives in his head resigned themselves to their fate.

…

'Still, not a half-bad way to go, amirite?'

'Shut up, Hamster...we're resigned.'

Loquacious stalks around the room, admiring the Xenos in bondage, her face twitching in a strange mixture of joy and anguish. She fusses with restraints and plays with levers, pausing often to consider the masterpiece in front of her.

Lo: Yes, resigned you are. So many are resigned, dispirited, broken-hearted. It's rare I don't enjoy it, but here's such a time, scum.

6.) Hive Zero - Goodbye to FLGS 

'This is sad. So, so sad...' moaned the Xeno dejectedly.

'I know. I never thought it would end like this,' said the Hamster.

'Really? I always thought it would end exactly like this. I was talking about the post, though.'

'You would think that,' the Hamster sniffed, 'And yer right about the post. I have a bad feeling, like a premonition. I think the end is near.'

The Xeno took a deep, shuddering breath, 'So wadda ya say, Hamster? No regrets?'

'Nah. It was a pretty good life. Gotta lil' wheel in here, some kibble and my water bottle...what else is there?'

'I wish I coulda apologized to Megan Fox....that whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding...'

'Pffft! You left DNA all over the place. That was ENTIRELY yer fault!'

'Yeah,' the Xenos lamented, 'Yer right. Yer always right, Hamster.'

'I was wrong about this!'

'Ha! That you were, Hamster.'

Loquacious begins laughing uncontrollably at the Freudian utterance of the words "I was wrong" from the Xenos' communication orifice. She seems genuinely joyous, completely entranced by the slimy blob's predicament.

Lo: You are always wrong, Xeno... and I intend to prove it....

7.) Dr. Willets Workshop -Fantasy Armor and Lady Bits

Frozen with fear, terror, pain, and a strange, morbid fascination that some may have called unclean, the Xeno and the Hamster that lives in his head could not avert their eyes from the image on the screen.

It wasn't just the bonds this time, either. The image was just...too horrific, and following the link almost made it worse, in a way...

The Hamster broke first.

'NO! Nooooooo! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make the bad man go away! Tell her yer sorry!'

The Xeno was soundlessly screaming, but the Hamster's words pulled him back from the brink.

'Sorry for WHAT?'

'I dunno...for EVERYTHING! For yer dumb opinions, for being 'merican, for whatever,' shrieked the Hamster, in obvious pain, 'Even the Queen is a female, they ALWAYS wanna hear you apologize.'

The Xeno wanted to shake his head...but he couldn't, 'Curse you Hamster, yer right.'

'JUST MAKE THIS GO AWAY! DO IT NOW!'

The Xeno filled his lungs and screamed out loud,' I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I WON'T DO IT AGAIN, WHATEVER IT WAS....PLEASE STOP THIS! I GIVE UP!'

The screen fades as Loquacious is wiping off makeup. Is this real, or pretend? Will SinSynn live? Will Lo' untie the alien? Tune in for the next episode of "As the Xenos Squirms" to find out... and enjoy the Top X, all.