*sound of chains clinking, links scraping against a stone surface. Several muffled voices are moaning in obvious discomfort. A single set of footsteps is heard, heels clicking a deliberately timed pace, back and forth. After every second step, a sliding sound is heard, as if there's something...heavy being dragged. A very faint, rhythmic sucking noise accompanies the footsteps and dragging. It's almost the sound of a baby with a pacifier, just...twisted. A voice is heard. The voice is angry, and petulant. It's high-pitched, but carries an indescribable menace*
"Well....since it seems we've forgotten the lessons from our LAST little 'meeting,' I thought it was best if I recorded this one. Not just so you won't forget what transpires here today...but because I think it's funny...What, nothing to say? No witty rejoinders?"
*The long pause that follows is filled with the obvious protestations of several male prisoners, all of whom are unable to properly retort due to having been gagged at some previous juncture*
"Oh, right...you've all been gagged, and chained here for my amusement. See? It's funny already."
*More muted protests, this time accompanied by the sound of arms thrashing about in manacles*
"Oh, bother. Well, I can't glean proper satisfaction from torturing the lot of you unless I can hear your pathetic yelps properly, I suppose....
Slave, you may...unbind their heads. I wish to hear what our charges have to say for themselves."
*The faint sucking ends with an abrupt, wet popping noise A new voice is heard. It's a whiny bleat...all lisp, slurred words and drool*
"But, master...it wasn't finished! It wants to finiiiiiish!"
"That will be all for now, slave. You've been attached to my crotch all day. Be a dear, would you?"
*A disappointed whine , a brief zipper noise. The sound of uneven footsteps...as if two legs of vastly different lengths were connected to the same creature, and the creature was making it's awkward way across the room. A brief grunt of effort, followed by the gasping sound of a new voice*
"TOM KIRBY YOU MONSTER! You may own Games Workshop, but you don't own us, godammit! What you're doing is wrong!"
"Ah, Mr. Kelly. So good of you to join us...I'm sensing some anger..."
*Another grunt, and a second prisoner cries out*
"I like turtles!"
"And Jervis...dear, beloved Jervis. My sweet, sweet boy...you don't even know what's going on anymore, do you?"
*Chains rattle violently, and the first prisoner thrashes angrily*
"Leave him alone you bastard! What kind of sick game are you playing? What have you done with Robin Cruddace? Where is he? Tell me!"
*Tom Kirby chuckles evilly*
"Why, Mr. Kelly...or do you prefer Phil? Your friend Robin is right here...enlighten our friend, won't you, slave?"
*The lisper puts on a mocking tone*
"Oh Phil! You can trust me with the Tyranids! Look at the bang-up job I did on the Guard! Tee-hee! You never ssssssuspected I worked for the master!"
"You son of a- I should have known! The Imperial Guard Codex was ridiculously overpowered! I never thought it would be you, Cruddace....I always thought it would be-"
*A third gasping captive is heard now, his voice choked with anguish*
"Phil! I'm sorry, Phil! He made me do it! He made me do everything!"
*Again, Tom Kirby seems delighted, and his chuckles are filled with venomous glee now*
"Poor, poor Matt Ward. Don't be hard on him, Mr. Kelly. He was just...following orders.I caught him in somewhat of a...compromising position, you see."
*Phil Kelly shifts in his chains, confused*
"What are you talking about? What did you do, Matt? If this is what we talked about, I told you to get help, man...Kirby, you black-hearted piece of...You said if I wrote the Space Wolf Codex for you, you'd stop pushing him! You knew he was weak! What have you done?"
*Matt Ward is barely audible here, as if he's speaking into his chest*
"I'm sorry, Phil. Truly I am. I tried to control it...but one night as I was working on the Blood Angels 'dex, it got to be too much...And when Mr. Kirby and his little friend found me, I had taken that life-sized Ultramarine statue into a broom closet and, and....Oh God I'm so ashamed!"
*More uncomfortable shifting from Phil Kelly, this time his voice is filled with disbelief*
"Matt, how could you? We had to re-paint it after the last time...that's not...natural."
*Sobs from Matt Ward, and Tom Kirby picks up the conversation with dark relish*
"Oh, I've always know about your friend's little little...fetish, as it were. I knew the Blood Angel Codex would break him! And once I had him under my thumb, I made him write Grey Knights! Mwahahahahaha!"
*Matt Ward sobs dejectedly, and Phil Kelly thrashes angrily, shouting*
"YOU ARE A MONSTER!"
"No, Mr. Kelly. I just have a promise to keep. A promise to a sad, lonely boy I made long ago..."
*Two groans of 'not again' and a muttered 'I like turtles' is the response from the collective prisoners, and Tom Kirby lets out a girlish scream*
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE STORY!"
"When I was a boy, my mummy didn't take kindly to me molesting farm animals, y'see...so one day she brings me home a surprise. Do you know what that surprise was?"
*Dual replies of 'a Space Marine Battleforce Box,' and another of 'I like turtles'*
"That's right, Space Marine Battleforce Box! She thought if I had a hobby, I would leave the local livestock alone, but they're such teases! I remember one time there was this sheep down the road...oh, she wanted it, alright...and don't you worry, Mr. Horsey, I'll get to you...yum."
*Exclamations of disgust, and something about turtles*
"Oh, forgive me...lost in happy memories. So, where was I? Oh yes! So, when I wasn't performing unspeakable acts with all creatures great and small, I built my Space Marines. I promised mummy that one day, I would venture out into the public, and I would go to that gamestore! And do you know what happened then?"
*Two weary 'yes we know's'....Mr. Johnson is snoring loudly*
"WAKE UP YOU OLD COOT! Anyway, The day, the dark, dreadful day that I went to the gamestore...All I wanted was for the children to forgive me for what I had done to their pets, all I wanted was to show them my Space Marines. But they all ran away. All except that one kid from outta town...that kid with the strange accent. He had a funny lookin' army. I didn't know there was anything else but Space Marines! I had never even seen the rulebook!"
*Two voices quietly say in unison, 'they were Eldar' and the third voice begins to utter 'turtles' when another feminine shriek cuts it off*
"WE NEVER SAY THAT WORD! NEVER! WE NEVER SPEAK THAT NAME!"
*Tom Kirby rants incoherently for several minutes, and the lisper can be heard drooling sympathetically, growing agitated and attempting to re-attach himself to his master's crotch. After a spell, Mr. Kirby composes himself, and continues his story*
"No, I don't know what foul, alien army this stranger put on that tabletop that day, and I'm sure he was cheating the entire time he claimed he was 'showing me how to play the game,' but I know one thing...I sure do love raping donkeys! And I also know that on that day, much to my utter disbelief...my Space Marines were killed to a man."
"Nooooo, I cried out. How could this be? Space Marines can't lose to...Aliens! I tried to explain my feelings to the strange boy with the funny accent, but when I got close he said my pants smelled like the back end of a barnyard animal and left! I was livid! I vowed revenge that day...revenge on any 40k Army that isn't Space Marines, and revenge on the little boy with the funny accent...Do you know where that little boy was from, gentlemen? DO YOU?"
*Tom Kirby is very angry now, and the prisoners seem unable or unwilling to reply for fear of his rage. After several tense moments, a completely new voice is heard, as if from a great distance away*
"He was from Australia, you git!"
*Mr. Kirby's response is immediate, and violently explosive*
"YOU SHUT UP! THIS IS PARTLY YOUR FAULT! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NEVER COMING OUT! AND AUSTRALIA WILL PAY, GODDAMMIT! FOREVER!"
*The new voice wails sadly for a moment, and trails off, as if it's owner returned to the depths from which he so suddenly appeared. Phil Kelly breaks the ensuing quiet, clearly attempting to reason with the madman in front of him*
"Look...Mr. Kirby. You really have to let Jes Goodwin go someday. You've got what you wanted, pretty much...but I understand you're upset right now. It's the Necrons, isn't it? We thought you would be OK with a new Xenos book if Matt here wrote it,and, well...the fanbase seems to think we needed more Xenos. People are starting to, uh...think the studio is biased. I know...crazy, right? Gotta love them Internets, huh?"
*Tom Kirby squeals again, louder than ever this time*
"THE INTERNET IS FROM THE DEVIL! WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT! AND JES STAYS IN THE BASEMENT, HE CREATED THE XENOS! IF I SEE HIM HERE IN THE LOUNGE AREA...."
*Several minutes of vague threats follow, after which Matt Ward chimes in*
"We have a website, you know..."
"LIES! I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU! LA-LA-LA!"
*After several minutes of this, Phil Kelly ventures a question*
"Look, Mr. Kirby...why are we chained up again? We've been following your instructions, and Space Marines are more popular than ever...There's Space Marine video games and everything now. So why did you call this meeting?"
*Tom Kirby seems to brighten at this, and his happy demeanor returns*
"Gentlemen, I called this meeting to discuss the next three Codexes the studio will be releasing."
"It's 'Codices,' you dolt."
"YOU SHUT UP JES GOODWIN! GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS AND STOP EAVESDROPPING ! WE'LL POUR YOUR TEA UNDER THE DOOR!"
*Once again the ghostly wail trails off, and Phil Kelly breaks it's eery spell*
"So what will the next three...Codexes be, then?"
*Tom Kirby excitedly rubs his hands together, obviously proud of the genius idea he's about to impart on his hapless employees*
"Well, they'll be proper Space Marine Codexes, of course."
*Matt Ward pipes up eagerly*
"Ooh! Can I write them? I'd love to write them. I'd really, really love to write them. I'll do it for free, even. Just give me some time alone with that statue..."
*At this point he realizes that everyone is staring at him with disapproving looks, so he clams up. Phil Kelly has a question*
"Wait, three Marine books? How's that possible? We've only got Black Templars and Dark Angels left. I don't get it."
*Tom Kirby joyfully responds*
"BLOOD RAVENS, BABY! BOO-YAH! We'll time it with the release of 6th Edition and a new video game and book series! Cha-ching!"
*Matt Ward seems interested, albeit cautious*
"Well, we sorta did that for 5th Edition, didn't we? But I'd just love to write a Blood Raven Codex...and we can start the Marine cycle anew with 6th Edition! I see it now- big Space Marine re-do! A book for the loyalist Legions instead of those smelly bad-guy Marines! This will be swell! Don't you think so, Phil? Phil?"
*Phil Kelly sounds confused, but attempts to take this development in stride*
"But, what about the Xenos?"
*At this point, everything gets quiet for several moments, and a palpable air of dread descends on the proceedings. Finally, Tom Kirby speaks, and his voice is devoid of any mirth*
"Well now...that brings us to the end of today's meeting. There's only one thing left to say, I suppose..."
*All three sets of chains can be heard being thrashed about now, as if the captives try desperately to escape their fate...but it is not to be. This seemingly amuses Mr. Kirby, who begins to recite something in a sing song voice*
"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...catch a tiger by the toe..."
*The prisoner continue to struggle, and one of them can be heard lamenting about turtles. The lisper cackles with glee*
> PLAYBACK TERMINATES
I swear...a reliable source provided that tape.
;)
Have a very Xenos day!
-SinSynn
*Another grunt, and a second prisoner cries out*
"I like turtles!"
"And Jervis...dear, beloved Jervis. My sweet, sweet boy...you don't even know what's going on anymore, do you?"
*Chains rattle violently, and the first prisoner thrashes angrily*
"Leave him alone you bastard! What kind of sick game are you playing? What have you done with Robin Cruddace? Where is he? Tell me!"
*Tom Kirby chuckles evilly*
"Why, Mr. Kelly...or do you prefer Phil? Your friend Robin is right here...enlighten our friend, won't you, slave?"
*The lisper puts on a mocking tone*
"Oh Phil! You can trust me with the Tyranids! Look at the bang-up job I did on the Guard! Tee-hee! You never ssssssuspected I worked for the master!"
"You son of a- I should have known! The Imperial Guard Codex was ridiculously overpowered! I never thought it would be you, Cruddace....I always thought it would be-"
*A third gasping captive is heard now, his voice choked with anguish*
"Phil! I'm sorry, Phil! He made me do it! He made me do everything!"
*Again, Tom Kirby seems delighted, and his chuckles are filled with venomous glee now*
"Poor, poor Matt Ward. Don't be hard on him, Mr. Kelly. He was just...following orders.I caught him in somewhat of a...compromising position, you see."
*Phil Kelly shifts in his chains, confused*
"What are you talking about? What did you do, Matt? If this is what we talked about, I told you to get help, man...Kirby, you black-hearted piece of...You said if I wrote the Space Wolf Codex for you, you'd stop pushing him! You knew he was weak! What have you done?"
*Matt Ward is barely audible here, as if he's speaking into his chest*
"I'm sorry, Phil. Truly I am. I tried to control it...but one night as I was working on the Blood Angels 'dex, it got to be too much...And when Mr. Kirby and his little friend found me, I had taken that life-sized Ultramarine statue into a broom closet and, and....Oh God I'm so ashamed!"
*More uncomfortable shifting from Phil Kelly, this time his voice is filled with disbelief*
"Matt, how could you? We had to re-paint it after the last time...that's not...natural."
*Sobs from Matt Ward, and Tom Kirby picks up the conversation with dark relish*
"Oh, I've always know about your friend's little little...fetish, as it were. I knew the Blood Angel Codex would break him! And once I had him under my thumb, I made him write Grey Knights! Mwahahahahaha!"
*Matt Ward sobs dejectedly, and Phil Kelly thrashes angrily, shouting*
"YOU ARE A MONSTER!"
"No, Mr. Kelly. I just have a promise to keep. A promise to a sad, lonely boy I made long ago..."
*Two groans of 'not again' and a muttered 'I like turtles' is the response from the collective prisoners, and Tom Kirby lets out a girlish scream*
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE STORY!"
"When I was a boy, my mummy didn't take kindly to me molesting farm animals, y'see...so one day she brings me home a surprise. Do you know what that surprise was?"
*Dual replies of 'a Space Marine Battleforce Box,' and another of 'I like turtles'*
"That's right, Space Marine Battleforce Box! She thought if I had a hobby, I would leave the local livestock alone, but they're such teases! I remember one time there was this sheep down the road...oh, she wanted it, alright...and don't you worry, Mr. Horsey, I'll get to you...yum."
*Exclamations of disgust, and something about turtles*
"Oh, forgive me...lost in happy memories. So, where was I? Oh yes! So, when I wasn't performing unspeakable acts with all creatures great and small, I built my Space Marines. I promised mummy that one day, I would venture out into the public, and I would go to that gamestore! And do you know what happened then?"
*Two weary 'yes we know's'....Mr. Johnson is snoring loudly*
"WAKE UP YOU OLD COOT! Anyway, The day, the dark, dreadful day that I went to the gamestore...All I wanted was for the children to forgive me for what I had done to their pets, all I wanted was to show them my Space Marines. But they all ran away. All except that one kid from outta town...that kid with the strange accent. He had a funny lookin' army. I didn't know there was anything else but Space Marines! I had never even seen the rulebook!"
*Two voices quietly say in unison, 'they were Eldar' and the third voice begins to utter 'turtles' when another feminine shriek cuts it off*
"WE NEVER SAY THAT WORD! NEVER! WE NEVER SPEAK THAT NAME!"
*Tom Kirby rants incoherently for several minutes, and the lisper can be heard drooling sympathetically, growing agitated and attempting to re-attach himself to his master's crotch. After a spell, Mr. Kirby composes himself, and continues his story*
"No, I don't know what foul, alien army this stranger put on that tabletop that day, and I'm sure he was cheating the entire time he claimed he was 'showing me how to play the game,' but I know one thing...I sure do love raping donkeys! And I also know that on that day, much to my utter disbelief...my Space Marines were killed to a man."
"Nooooo, I cried out. How could this be? Space Marines can't lose to...Aliens! I tried to explain my feelings to the strange boy with the funny accent, but when I got close he said my pants smelled like the back end of a barnyard animal and left! I was livid! I vowed revenge that day...revenge on any 40k Army that isn't Space Marines, and revenge on the little boy with the funny accent...Do you know where that little boy was from, gentlemen? DO YOU?"
*Tom Kirby is very angry now, and the prisoners seem unable or unwilling to reply for fear of his rage. After several tense moments, a completely new voice is heard, as if from a great distance away*
"He was from Australia, you git!"
*Mr. Kirby's response is immediate, and violently explosive*
"YOU SHUT UP! THIS IS PARTLY YOUR FAULT! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NEVER COMING OUT! AND AUSTRALIA WILL PAY, GODDAMMIT! FOREVER!"
*The new voice wails sadly for a moment, and trails off, as if it's owner returned to the depths from which he so suddenly appeared. Phil Kelly breaks the ensuing quiet, clearly attempting to reason with the madman in front of him*
"Look...Mr. Kirby. You really have to let Jes Goodwin go someday. You've got what you wanted, pretty much...but I understand you're upset right now. It's the Necrons, isn't it? We thought you would be OK with a new Xenos book if Matt here wrote it,and, well...the fanbase seems to think we needed more Xenos. People are starting to, uh...think the studio is biased. I know...crazy, right? Gotta love them Internets, huh?"
*Tom Kirby squeals again, louder than ever this time*
"THE INTERNET IS FROM THE DEVIL! WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT! AND JES STAYS IN THE BASEMENT, HE CREATED THE XENOS! IF I SEE HIM HERE IN THE LOUNGE AREA...."
*Several minutes of vague threats follow, after which Matt Ward chimes in*
"We have a website, you know..."
"LIES! I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU! LA-LA-LA!"
*After several minutes of this, Phil Kelly ventures a question*
"Look, Mr. Kirby...why are we chained up again? We've been following your instructions, and Space Marines are more popular than ever...There's Space Marine video games and everything now. So why did you call this meeting?"
*Tom Kirby seems to brighten at this, and his happy demeanor returns*
"Gentlemen, I called this meeting to discuss the next three Codexes the studio will be releasing."
"It's 'Codices,' you dolt."
"YOU SHUT UP JES GOODWIN! GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS AND STOP EAVESDROPPING ! WE'LL POUR YOUR TEA UNDER THE DOOR!"
*Once again the ghostly wail trails off, and Phil Kelly breaks it's eery spell*
"So what will the next three...Codexes be, then?"
*Tom Kirby excitedly rubs his hands together, obviously proud of the genius idea he's about to impart on his hapless employees*
"Well, they'll be proper Space Marine Codexes, of course."
*Matt Ward pipes up eagerly*
"Ooh! Can I write them? I'd love to write them. I'd really, really love to write them. I'll do it for free, even. Just give me some time alone with that statue..."
*At this point he realizes that everyone is staring at him with disapproving looks, so he clams up. Phil Kelly has a question*
"Wait, three Marine books? How's that possible? We've only got Black Templars and Dark Angels left. I don't get it."
*Tom Kirby joyfully responds*
"BLOOD RAVENS, BABY! BOO-YAH! We'll time it with the release of 6th Edition and a new video game and book series! Cha-ching!"
*Matt Ward seems interested, albeit cautious*
"Well, we sorta did that for 5th Edition, didn't we? But I'd just love to write a Blood Raven Codex...and we can start the Marine cycle anew with 6th Edition! I see it now- big Space Marine re-do! A book for the loyalist Legions instead of those smelly bad-guy Marines! This will be swell! Don't you think so, Phil? Phil?"
*Phil Kelly sounds confused, but attempts to take this development in stride*
"But, what about the Xenos?"
*At this point, everything gets quiet for several moments, and a palpable air of dread descends on the proceedings. Finally, Tom Kirby speaks, and his voice is devoid of any mirth*
"Well now...that brings us to the end of today's meeting. There's only one thing left to say, I suppose..."
*All three sets of chains can be heard being thrashed about now, as if the captives try desperately to escape their fate...but it is not to be. This seemingly amuses Mr. Kirby, who begins to recite something in a sing song voice*
"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...catch a tiger by the toe..."
*The prisoner continue to struggle, and one of them can be heard lamenting about turtles. The lisper cackles with glee*
> PLAYBACK TERMINATES
I swear...a reliable source provided that tape.
;)
Have a very Xenos day!
-SinSynn
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